Saturday, December 4, 2010

2 Weeks Down!

   Ok, so I have totally been slacking on the blog posts! Exactly 2 weeks have gone by since David left...again. It's kind of hard to describe how things feel right now. It hasn't been as hard as I thought, and that makes me wonder why. Other friends I know who's spouses are deployed, or have been in the past tell me all about how hard its going to be, and they cry/cried a lot, and here I am, I haven't cried hardly at all. I was a mess at the airport, but have been fine since then, aside from a song or thought or something that might make me tear up a little bit. I know that I love my husband, so I don't understand why it's not harder. I know, I know, everyone deals with things in their own ways. Trust me, I have heard that one a million times, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I feel like my lack of emotion about it all says something bad about me or our marriage or something. We have gone through a lot in our marriage, but we have overcome it and we have come out on top of every bad situation we have found ourselves in, and at the end of all of it, we have stayed together. And it is because we love each other. Not out of some sense of duty or responsibility or anything like that. Its because our love and our marriage is worth fighting for. So in every situation, we have always put our marriage first. So, if our love is worth fighting that hard for, why am I not crying every day because he isn't here?
   In a way, I think a big part of it is that there is a lot less pressure on me in one way. It's a toss up, in a way. One one hand, yes, there is a lot more stress because I am doing everything on my own (including killing the icky bugs), but on the other hand, it is a little less stressful to because I don't have to live my life to someone else's standards. I don't have someone commenting on the fact that I decide to eat a pizza for dinner instead of a healthy alternative, or that I let the kids eat something messy for dinner, or walk around eating their snack instead of making them sit at the table. But at the same time, I also don't have someone to put my arms around while I fall asleep at night, or someone to cook dinner for, or someone to come home from a long day of work and change a diaper just to give me a break. Of course, I wish he was here, and maybe if I wasn't go go go all the time, it would hit me a little harder.
    Our sleep schedule is DEFINITELY a mess since he left. Austins night terrors were keeping us up all night so we have been sleeping til sometime between 11 and 1 lately. Now Aiden is getting SIX teeth in all at once, so he is up all night. I don't know how to turn it around because now that it is just me, I can't be up with them until 5, then turn around and get up at 8 to turn the schedule around, make THEM get up, and have them be that overly tired, and still function to actually take care of them. So it has turned into a vicious cycle. One of these days when I don't have anything going on, I think that I will just let the go to bed late, as normal, but I will stay up and wake them up a few hours earlier than normal, then let them nap a few hours later (which they aren't even napping on this schedule we are on now) so that they aren't stressed from being too tired. Let them sleep for about an hour, get them back up, take them to the park or something and get them good and worn out, then we all try to go to bed at 8 or 9. Because when I am up with them til 5 it is too hard for me to wake up before 11 or so. So I am going to have to just stay up. It is way easier to stay up, than to force myself to get But it will have to be on a day when I don't have anything going on, so that my lack of sleep doesn't interfere with Other than that, I just don't know what else to do. But this schedule is hard on all of us. We dont even go to playgroup anymore because it is too hard to wake up at 8 or 9. I mean, I guess technically it doesn't really matter when they are sleeping as long as they are getting the sleep. But I don't like always missing playgroup, and when 9 or 10 rolls around and they are still running around screaming, my nerves are pretty shot because it's night time, and I want them winding down so that I can start relaxing. 
    I guess the hardest part of all of this is that there is just no down time for me. So if they are up til 5, I end up awake til 6, but to get an hour of quiet time to myself. I used to put them up at 8, then I could stay up til 9 or 10 for my quiet time to relax, then go to bed, and we would all wake up nice and refreshed the next morning :) 
    Their sleep schedule being off is also throwing off the eating schedule. We are eating breakfast sometime between 11 and 1 which means "lunch" is actually at dinner time. Its all a
    Anyways, all that aside, I have had a couple of photo shoots, and I have a newborn shoot tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to, since I just got all of my new studio equipment, except one backdrop I am still waiting on. So that has been going well. I have also started going to the gym. My babysitter (who is AMAZING and a total Godsend!) is going to come over 3 times  a week so I can go to the gym. That has helped immensely. I stopped going after I moved in with David. The gym was kind of a controversial subject for us, so I just didn't go. But I had forgotten how much I loved it. I have always been a very athletic person, and just the 2 times I have gone to the gym this week have already undone 4 years of feeling like crap because I wasn't working out! So that is a habit I will definitely not be giving up again! 
    I think part of the reason that this deployment has been less hard on me that some people is that in a way it has given me my independence back. I have come to rely on David way too much. He always drives when we go places, so I don't pay attention to where they are, so I don't know how to get anywhere, so I don't go anywhere without him. He handles things like vehicle registration and base stickers and all that, so I never bothered finding out what I needed to do because he always handled it. If I wanted to schedule a photo shoot, I had to check his schedule before I could set it up so that we didn't have conflicting appointments. Now I am doing everything for myself again. I'm not depending or relying on anyone. I am thinking for myself and doing things for myself again. I have never liked relying on people or just taking a back seat and letting them take the controls, but it was a routine that we fell into pretty early in our married life, and I guess I just never really thought to question it. 
    Don't get me wrong, none of that makes me glad that he is gone. I miss him like crazy and I am counting down the days until he comes home, but I think that this deployment is going to be a real eye opener, for me at least, as to what things might need to be done differently in the future. This deployment is a reality and nothing I am going to do is going to change the fact that he isn't here, so I might as well put a positive spin on it and use this time as an opportunity to rediscover myself; to remind myself that, yes, I am a half of a whole, but I am still a whole person by myself as well. Being half of that whole does not totally define me. I am still an individual with thoughts and needs. I have spent so long playing the role of wife and mother, that I forgot about the things that made me who I am as an individual. And I firmly believe that in order to really contribute to a marriage, you have to be happy with yourself, and I haven't been for a long time. And a big part of that was when I gave up working out. I had 2 kids, and yes, I was really underweight before I had them, and based on my BMI, I am the perfect weight now, but that doesn't change the fact that when I look in the mirror, I don't see what I want to see. A diet would be pointless because I don't need to lose weight, I need to tone the muscles again to get back to the figure I want. Going back to the gym will give me that back. I think that when I start working these things out for myself, and finding out how to get a good balance between being a wife and a mother, but still being an individual, it will make a huge difference not only in my own life, but in my marriage, and as a parent as well. 
    I have always looked at single mothers with so much respect and wondered how they could do it. And this time I have been taking care of the kids by myself has given me that much more respect for them. But I have always felt like it is something that I could never do. And already this experience has shown me that if it ever came down to it, I could do it. Not that I ever have ANY intention of having to, whatsoever. My husband better live a long life and be here to watch those kids grow up, but it is just good to know that I am a good enough parent that no matter what life throws at us, I will always be able to take care of my kids and put them first. When this deployment came up, my first thought was "Why on earth did we decide to reenlist?" because when this enlistment is up, he will have been in for 11 years. It would be completely asinine to get out after you have already passed the halfway point, which means this will not be the last separation that we deal with, and probably not the longest one either. But I see now that that is ok. No matter what happens, I can take care of my kids, even if I have to do it on my own, and we will all be fine. When this deployment came up, I didn't think I would be able to do it alone. I thought that a month in I would be looking at plane tickets to go home but here we are doing fine, aside from a few minor issues like the sleep pattern. So maybe it has been easier on me because what I was envisioning and fearing was so much worse than the reality of the situation. 
    Anyways, thanks for bearing with me while I play shrink for I don't know why, but when I can't work something out in my head, if I just sit down and write it out, I seem to find the answer I am looking for, in some ways. And since I was so late on a new blog post, I figured why not let everyone else have some insight into the mind of Jessica! LOL! After all, like I said at the beginning of this blog, in a way it is meant to be a diary of sorts....except a diary that you post on the internet for the whole world to read and comment on! LOL! 
   Well, on that note, I am going to close for the night! The highlight of my day was definitely the great workout I got! I am going to try to get back to doing this daily, so hopefully I will have more to share tomorrow night! Maybe something a little less introspective (and long)....LOL!


  1. I loved reading your posts. One thing is that honey the first few days/weeks are the hardest for most then when you hit that mid way point and get yourself into your routine finally next thing you know you have to start preparing for them to come home and then when they get home that is where the honeymoon may last longer then a month .. because you are going to be use to doing things your way and what worked best for you while he was gone. This is not a bad thing. It will make you a lot stronger as it goes on, never easier to say goodbye but getting into your routine.

    I really think this is one of the best posts I have read as far as keeping it honest and real and I really dig it. I was active duty and just recently retired and my husband and I are stationed in Englang currently so this will be my first time not deploying and let me tell you having to leave behind my kids SUCKS ..

    Good luck to you and know that you got it .. xoxo

  2. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond! For some reason it didn't send me an email notification! Anyways, thank you so much for your comments! It helps to know that people are reading it and are supportive. Sometimes it is hard to be completely honest about how I am feeling in my posts because in a way I feel bad that I seem to be thriving now more than I have in a long time. It's not that I don't miss my husband or love him like crazy, but I have always been a very independent person and when I got married, I kind of fell into the "wife" role and let go of that independence. It's not that my husband is controlling or anything, but I guess in a way it was easy to just fall into place and let him take the lead on everything. So it is nice to have the independence back a little bit. I am in no way glad of the circumstances that brought it about, but I am hoping that I can really figure some things out while he is gone, then when he gets back find ways to incorporate my need to take charge of some things into our routine in our marriage. He has been really understanding about it and I think he will be really open to exploring these things when he gets home. And it is a good opportunity for him to talk to me about any needs he might have that may not be being met in our marriage as well. Some couples are torn apart during these separations, so we are trying to really make this into a positive thing and find ways to strengthen our marriage.
    Anyways, there I go writing a book again! LOL! But thank you again so much for the comments! Positive encouragement has been so monumental throughout this process so it is always very much appreciated! And thank you and your husband both for your service as well! <3