Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 14

     Exactly 2 weeks have gone by on the emotional roller coaster since my husband left. Emotional roller coaster is a pretty accurate description... the next best thing would probably be "the journey that makes me wonder if I am bi-polar" One day will be an "up" day and I will feel great, and things will run smoothly, then other days will be very "low" days where I feel very depressed and insecure and alone. One day it will seem like everything is in crisis, and the next it will seem like things are as right in the world as they can be, with part of my heart being on the other side of the country. I am having such a hard time reconciling my feelings. I don't know if this is normal or if I am just over emotional. Either way, this is obviously a very difficult process. The boys and I are doing really well as far as our day to day lives. That part hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be, but I miss David. Neither of the boys seem to really even notice he is gone. They get to talk to him on the webcam, so I think that helps a lot. I am glad that it has not been too difficult for them. I am also glad that I have been able to be strong and keep it together for them. I was afraid that the first couple days I would be a wreck, and who knows? When he actually leaves for the deployment itself, I might. But so far, I feel like I have done a really good job of keeping things normal for the boys. If nothing else, I have been doing more with them, with the playgroup and the sleepover with Nina and Keegan and stuff like that. So I am proud of myself for that. Even on the bad days, the boys can still put a smile on my face, and I can keep it there for their sake. 2 years ago I don't know if I would have been able to do it as easily. 
    One thing that I hate is that with everything else going on, it gets hard to keep up with the housework. That is the one drawback to having such a big house! More to clean! Most of the laundry is clean, but it's sitting around waiting for me to fold it and put it away. I have kept up with the dishes. But beyond that, the house is in bad shape right now! LOL! I feel like for every little bit I get done, I have the kids going behind me and messing more stuff up! LOL! I could do it after I put them to bed at night, but by that time I am exhausted too. I am just going to have to take a day next week where I put the boys up in Austin's room for a couple hours and I power clean. I have kept the downstairs somewhat presentable, but the upstairs needs A LOT of work. We opened a few boxes before David left and took everything out and scattered it all over the upstairs then ran out of time to put it away, so I need to get to that, but I am always going back and cleaning up the downstairs because that is what people say, so I never even get to the upstairs stuff. But I definitely want to have the whole house clean before David gets back! Which is in only 11 more days! I can't wait! 
     Well, here it is, 3 a.m.!  I need to get myself to sleep because tomorrow I get to take the boys trick or treating! YAY! Austin is going as Buzz Lightyear and Aiden is going as Woody! I have a pair of tight white capris and a Panthers jersey, so I am just going to wear that with a pair of Davids black socks that come up to like my knees and my tennies and go as a jock! LOL! 
     The highlight of my day was playing with my kids in their playroom :) I love the little moments I have with them! Well, it is WAY past my bedtime and I am exhausted so I am going to sleep! Goodnight!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 13

    Thirteen days...One day shy of two weeks. I still can't believe that is all it has been! We are right at the half way mark now because he has been gone about 2 weeks and will be home in 2 weeks. I actually think the next two weeks will go by fairly quickly. This week definitely has compared to last week. I guess in some ways it gets easier and in some ways it gets harder. It is all a matter of perspective, I suppose.
    This morning was nice. The waking up part wasn't so fun since I got up super early. But it was definitely worth it because I got to have a little pamper time and went in for a mani/pedi. I got my typical french tip with the pink and white gel, then got the yellow deployment ribbon on each ring finger, and I picked out a dark color for my toes and got the ribbon on my big toes as well. Then I came home and hung out with the kiddos the rest of the day. Nothing on the agenda tomorrow, which I am happy about. I need a day to (hopefully) sleep in! I gave in and just brought Austin straight to my room tonight. Bad habit to start, I know, but he seems to have less nightmares when he is in my room. He still has them, just not as often. And its a lot easier if he is in here because I get to him right away before he gets into an all out panic, so I get him right back to sleep almost before he even wakes up. However, if this is going to continue, I am going to have to do something else for sleeping arrangements for him. He has been sleeping in the playpen because that's where he wants to be, but he is way too old for that. So maybe I will just bring his mattress in or something. However, tomorrow night I am going to just try to start him out in his own room again. I really don't want to start this habit. As much of a comfort as it is to me to have him in here, it's not good for him to get used to it. It will make it harder on him when he has to move back. I guess the best thing to do is go with my gut. Some women would probably criticize me for letting him in here at all. But I know my son and these nightmares are not normal for him. It has never happened until now. I know, even as an adult, if I wake up from a nightmare when David is here the first thing I do is reach for him for comfort. I can't imagine being a 2 year old and not even understanding the concept of a nightmare and waking up in a room by yourself, with no one to reach for for comfort. So whether it is the "right thing or wrong thing" to do, I honestly think it is best for him to have that comfort. And hopefully the nightmares will pass and things will go back to normal.
     This week has been a lot less stressful since I finished my semester last week so I don't have schoolwork, but at the same time I miss it. Being in school again made me feel like I was doing something with my life. Don't get me wrong, obviously raising my kids is doing something, but they aren't going to need me forever. And other than that, I have not really done much to further myself. When I joined the Air Force, it was going to be a career. I was going to do 20 years. I realize now that I never would have followed through with that because there is no way that I could be in David's shoes right now. I could never leave my kids, whether it was for a day or a year. There is just no way that I could do it. But then I also had big plans with my college stuff but I didn't even start that til less than a year ago because David was always in school and it would be too much for him and I both to be in college, plus his career and the kids, so I waited. And even if it hadn't been for this deployment, we knew that when my MYCAA ran out I was going to have to put it on hold because we did try doing it to where both of us were in college and it was way too much and we are hoping David can finish his degree in time to get commissioned, so obviously it is way more important for him to be in school right now. But for that time that I was in school I felt like I was doing something that not only I could be proud of, but my husband and kids could too. So it is kind of hard to going back to not really doing anything. Part of me feels weak because it leaves me completely dependent on my husband and that is a little hard to swallow sometimes. So I am kind of conflicted about how I feel with being out of school now. I just have to hold on to the hope that I will get to go back eventually. In the meantime, I have my kids to focus on and they keep me plenty busy! LOL! 
     Speaking of the boys, they crack me up. No matter how stressful things get those boys are good for at least 10 good laughs a day! LOL! Today we were in the van and Austin just randomly started barking and Aiden thought it was the most hilarious thing and he was just giggling like I have never heard him giggle! That is one of those moments as a parent where your heart just melts. Poor Aiden is teething though, so he had a pretty rough day. He has been drooling like crazy and he was extremely cranky, which is really out of the ordinary for him. He is a very even tempered child. In fact, most of the time you wouldn't even know he is there. All day it's "Austin, don't do that! Austin don't touch that! Austin give that back to your brother! Austin watch your mouth! Austin get out of the cabinets! Austin quit climbing over the babygate!" LOL! Meanwhile Aiden is just wandering around, quiet as can be!  So for him to be as fussy as he was today was pretty tough. I felt so bad for him. But one of the teeth that is coming in broke through and another one looks like its close, so hopefully he won't be going through it too much longer!
     Well, here it is after 1 again and Austin and I are still awake so I am going to get off of here and hopefully both of us will get some sleep! The highlight of the day was definitely the scene in the van with Austin barking and Aiden giggling. Those little moments are the ones that I live for!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 12

    The days are starting to go faster now. The first week was the longest. This week has gone by really fast. Hopefully the next 2 weeks will go fast, then the 2 weeks he is here will go really slow, then the rest of the deployment will go really fast. Of course, it will probably be the exact opposite, but hey, a girl can dream! We went over to my friends house to do pics of the kids in their costumes today. I am so glad to have her back here! She just got back from being on the mainland for a long visit. So I have missed her, and am glad to have her here now, more than ever. About 10 minutes after we got there her power went out so we were burning up and the studio lighting wasn't working, so we had to work around that, but it was still fun :) 
     Tomorrow I get to go for my first pamper day since David left. I am just going to go get my nails done, but it is quiet alone time and I think I might pay the extra for the good massage with the pedi! I could definitely use some relaxation! Other than that, today has actually been pretty uneventful, so this is going to be a short post. Especially since it is 1:30 and Austin just went to sleep! So I am beyond exhausted! I feel like we are slipping back into a bad schedule so I need to get him turned around again. But he is still having the nightmares. At first I wasn't sure why he was waking up and crying, but I knew it was nightmares for sure because I brought him into my room to sleep last night after he woke up the last time and he would fall asleep and be in a good sound sleep for a while, but then I would hear him start to groan a little bit and toss and turn then he would wake up just bawling. And since he was already in my room, I knew it wasn't just a cry for me to come get him or something like that. I am going to have to look into what I can do to try to help him. He can't tell me about his dreams yet and I feel so helpless when he wakes up like that. I am glad to know that I can at least comfort him and he goes right back to sleep, but that just doesn't seem like enough. So I think I will start doing some research and seeing if there is anything else I can do to help him.
     Other than that, it is obviously still really hard being away from my husband but things seem to be settling down here a little bit, so that is good. Well, the house is quiet and I am yawning so I am going to close here for the night. The highlight of my day was seeing the boys all dressed up in their costumes! They looked so adorable! I can't wait to take them trick or treating, then coming home and watching Austin hand out candy! It will be so much fun. I just wish David didn't have to miss it. He hates Halloween, but something tells me he would change his mind when he watched the boys have so much fun! Anyways, that's it for me! Have a good night! <3

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 11

     We had a pretty good day today! It was another sleepless night because between both boys I was up til about 2:30, but we got up early and we all went to Wal-Mart (Nina and Keegan stayed the night last night), then we headed on to playgroup. Playgroup went well but Austin was actually really tired so he was pretty fussy. We skipped out a little early because Nina had things to do and I needed to clean up the house before Aiden's home visit. So when we got home the boys went straight up for nap and I got to cleaning! The timing was perfect because they got here just as I finished cleaning! 
     The home visit started out really rough. Aiden sat in my lap and would not interact with the evaluators at all. They were using different types of toys to try to evaluate what level he was at in different areas. For instance, they had him stack things, or they had 3 bowls and wanted him to put one inside the other. He struggled with that because they were different sizes and he didn't realize that the large one could not fit in the small one. After they had been there about 15 minutes he really started warming up and started doing things that I didn't even know he would be able to do! So I was really proud of him. He did a really good job. The news was not as good as we would have liked but it wasn't terrible either. He will be 16 months old, but he was doing everything at a 12 month level, so that is not a huge deal. One concern is that there may be something wrong with his depth perception, so we will have to have that evaluated, even though he already had an eye exam when he was younger. One of his pupils was extremely dilated while the other was like a pinpoint so we were worried about a brain injury or something, even though we had never seen him fall. So we took him in and they did an eye test and said that his eyes were perfect. So who knows, maybe that has changed now. We should know soon whether he needs to have any further evaluation or needs to work with any specialists, but today's eval actually eased a lot of my concerns because the way the clinic was making me feel he had a huge delay, which doesn't seem to be the case. 
     Austin just woke up screaming again. It is 1 and he doesn't sound like he will be getting into a good sleep for a while yet. I really don't know what to do about these issues we are having with him waking up several times a night. He has always been a great sleeper and this has just started since David left. I could bring him in and let him sleep in my room but that is a habit that I really don't want to start. But something has to give. I am exhausted all day because even though he is up half the night we still have things to do in the mornings so we can't just sleep. Although, tomorrow is pretty free so maybe we will sleep in some. I guess that all depends on when Aiden decides to wake up since he has been in a good sleep for a few hours now. 
     Well, I better go tend to my son. David will be waking up soon so I will probably get to talk to him for a bit too, but then it is seriously night night time for me! The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time with my bestie! I really missed her when she was gone and I am so glad she is home now!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 10

    Here we are at the double digits. Just over 2 weeks to go. This week is going by faster than last week did so far. We got good news that he might get to come home 2 days early! 2 days may not seem like much, but it's huge when we are only getting 2 weeks before he leaves for 7 months. I am really dreading this deployment so much. It is definitely a 2 sided coin because I hate it, but at the same time I am very proud of him and I know that he needs to do this to feel like he has really done his part. Had I not gotten out and it weren't for the kids I would have felt the same way. I would have even volunteered for it, so I get it. But it doesn't make the separation any easier. I really want to go home for part of the time he is gone but it is so expensive and just the thought of the flight gives me a headache! LOL! We got the opportunity to really talk and I think we really worked through some things today. So hopefully that will make a difference in the remainder of the time we have to be apart. I miss him so much and it has only been a week. What will it be like after we have been apart for a month? or 3 months? or 6 months? I don't know how some women do it when their husbands are gone constantly. I could never be a Navy wife, and I have so much respect for women that are because it has to be very difficult. But I guess when you love someone you will do whatever it takes to be with that person.
    Well, another long night in store I think. Neither of the boys will go to sleep. My best friend came over to stay the night. We had so many plans for things we were going to do and we were so tired we got our pizza then lazed around for a while and that was it. I think we are going to do it again next We are going to go to playgroup tomorrow then Aiden has his home visit. I have more work to do on the fence packet so I might work on that as well, we'll see.
    Wow! I think the boys are sleeping! Sounds quiet! I am going to stay up one more hour because David chats with me in the morning before work and it is easier to just stay awake than to wake up. So I am laying in bed relaxing watching a movie. I am starting to hear about more things available to spouses of deployed members, so I might start looking into some of them, like packages for the kids that have a book and stuff like that, so I will have to see about it. We still need to make their Daddy dolls too, so we are doing pics when David gets home. 
    Great, I just heard Aiden. Guess I should have known that wouldn't last long. . .lol. And there goes Austin! Great. . .lol! I am going to get off here and tend to my children. The highlight of my day was definitely quality time with the bestie! I needed it!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 9

    Almost to the double digits. What a long day. Austin was up all night last night until 5 this morning and we had to get up early for playgroup. Again, I thought about just sleeping in and not going, and again, I am so glad that we got up and went, no matter how tired I have been since! We had fun at playgroup. My friend Ashley brought her Scentsy samples and I ordered the multi pack that comes with 2 full size warmers and 6 bars! I can't wait for them to get here! Then the cutest thing happened! They had their singing time and they did Ring Around the Rosie's. Austin held hands with a little girl and when they got done with the song they didn't let go. They walked around the rest of the time holding hands! Her mom came up and told me how surprised she was because this little girl usually doesn't like to be touched and she just let Austin lead her around by the hand. It was so adorable. It was hard to break them up when it was time to go LOL! But she will be there again Wednesday so we will see if they even remember eachother at that point! I know one thing is for sure! I will not be caught without my camera again thats for sure! LOL! 
    Thankfully the boys are asleep, but David will be waking up in an hour so I am going to stay up to talk to him. And I wonder why I never get any sleep! LOL! Tomorrow will be a long but really good day! I am going over to my best friends house to do 2 newborn shoots with her. It will be our first joint photo shoot so I am really looking forward to it! Plus it will give us the opportunity to get pictures of eachother in action! So it should be a lot of fun! I am really excited! Then after that, she is coming over and we are having a sleepover! I definitely need the girl time! Our kids fight like cats and dogs so hopefully they will cooperate for one night! LOL! But it should be a lot of fun! We are going to watch Halloween movies and crochet and lots of fun stuff! 
    Well, that is about as much as I can concentrate to write for now. I have a bunch of photos I am working on edits for and I am hoping David will be on soon so I can talk to him then hit the hay! I am so exhausted! The highlight of my day was definitely watching Austin with his little girlfriend. I haven't laughed that hard or that genuinely in a very very long time, so I definitely needed it! Well, back to work for me! Night night!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 8

     Day 8. Made it over the one week mark. I can't believe it has only been a week. It feels like it is dragging by so slow. However, I officially finished my classes today so that is one less stress to worry about. And it is unfortunate that my flash is having problems, but I think it might be a blessing in disguise. I was so intent on keeping myself busy and distracted that I was completely overwhelming myself, and with the boys not sleeping well at night, I have been tired and crabby on top of it. So, having the time off from working and schoolwork, I will be able to just focus on my kids and the house and things like that. So, like I said, a blessing in disguise. There is still quite a bit going on this week, but by Friday things should start to slow down. I finished the edits from Friday's photo shoot, so that is one more down! I am really happy with how they came out!
    Once things settle down this week I want to take a day or two to relax, as much as one can relax with 2 toddlers! LOL! Then focus on the things I want to do around the house. I have had things around the house that I have wanted to do since David left, but things have been so crazy and when I didn't have something going on, I have been so exhausted I just want to pass out! I guess my body still isn't quite adjusted to the transition. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I guess I really didn't realize how much extra work there is when there are 2 kids and one less adult. He is good about helping out a lot when he is home, so it has made a huge difference having him gone. He usually does dinner with the boys and bed time routine. I do wake up stuff and breakfast and lunch. Then I get to relax in the evenings while he takes over with the kids. I really didn't realize how much I rely on that time to myself. Now it is nonstop. By the time they go to bed, I am too tired to enjoy quiet time! LOL! 
     All in all today has been a pretty good day. I finished my Math exam, which did not go as well as I would have liked. David helped me with it so we both had the test open. When I went to submit it, even though we had done all of the answers, it said that 12 of them were left blank, so I didn't get credit for them. But even without those 12 I still got a 70, so I am not going to complain. I passed the test, I passed the class, that's good enough for me. My 4.0 went out the window but we have had so much going on during this semester I knew that was inevitable. And I still got B's so I am happy!
     Well, I hear Austin awake again tugging on his baby gate so I better go get him before he wakes up his brother. Tomorrow is play group, then I have to go try to work on the fence packet! So I am out of here! But the highlight of my day was definitely getting done with my classes, and of course all the time I got with my kiddos! Have a great night :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 7

      Well, I think today has topped them all on the list of bad days. If you do not want to read a major vent session, you might want to stop reading this now because I have a feeling that is what this is going to turn into. I have kind of been stuck between a rock and a hard place with this blog. Part of why I started it was because I wanted it to be a motivating type thing for myself, but also maybe for others going through the same thing. But at the same time, the point was also for me to be able to kind of reconcile my own feelings about what has been going on, and to have an outlet and a release at the end of the day. I should be able to be honest about what I am feeling and not have to sugar coat things. But that is what I have been doing. My husband is getting ready to deploy and he has been gone over a week. I am supposed to be missing him and we are supposed to be all loving towards each other because he is not here. And heaven forbid it when he is deployed because no one should have anything bad to say about a hero that is deployed and fighting for his country. And that is true to an extent, but he is still human and I am still human, and if we have a bad day, I shouldn't have to hide that and act like everything is ok because he is deployed. I love my husband. I have loved him almost from the day I met him. But that man can infuriate me like nobody's business.
      For 2 days now it seems like every conversation that we have we are at each others throats. We were both responsible for how it started. I have problems getting Austin to eat. He refused to eat his breakfast today and lunch was starting out very much the same way. I was on the computer with David but stepped away to make the boys lunch then sat them down and carried my laptop in so I could sit with them while they ate. Austin was thinking of every reason to get up. He needed his cup, he needed ketchup, he needed this, he needed that, then finally he noticed the laptop and said "I want to talk to Daddy". David and I were doing a video conversation so I opened another window and said "Daddy's not on right now" and showed him. I know, lying to my kid, shame on me, but the boy needs to eat. Well, I showed him the laptop so he could see David wasn't there and David thought it would be funny to say "HI AUSTIN" even though he knew I was trying to get Austin to eat. So I flipped out on him. I had just gotten austin seated and he was going to start eating, but all hell broke loose when he heard David. That makes me mad because it already literally takes me almost an hour for each meal because I have to sit there and feed austin and even then, he fights it and doesnt want to eat, or he plays or sings, anything but eats. SO when I finally had him eating, it really pissed me off that David did that. So in a way it was both of our faults. But David decided he was going to close all of his messengers and turn off his phone. I think that is the most childish and immature thing that someone can do. He knows how much it pisses me off and we are limited to the time we get to talk anyways, so that was a very stupid way to react in my opinion. But he did it because he knows how much that pisses me off. Well, we went back and forth like this the rest of the evening. There is more, but I am not going to air out all of our dirty laundry. . .lol. But it really made me mad. But since my husband is about to be deployed, of course it would be poor form for me to say anything bad about him, so I feel like I have to bottle it all up which angers me even more.
    David and I struggle a lot because we are so opposite. He is a very logical person. I kid you not, one of his nicknames at work was the robot because there is just no emotion there. It is just not there. I on the other hand, am a very emotional person. I do tend to think very logically about certain things, but when it comes to my family or friends or someone that I care about, I am very driven by emotion. If I care about someone, they know it. I go out of my way to do little things to show it. David just doesn't think like that. I thought that we would balance eachother out, but instead we seem to butt heads about it. He has bought me flowers exactly three times in the 6 1/2 years since we first started dating. Once when we first got back together, the day I gave birth to Austin, and one time, out of nowhere, he brought me home flowers because I was having a hard time with Aiden and his colic, it was either right before or right after he went to Korea (which was probably the time I will remember most because it was the one time I can really remember him doing something like that out of nowhere to surprise me just because, without needing a reason). Other than that, he doesn't just say or do things out of the blue to surprise me. He just doesn't think like that. Whereas I have spent hours every day working on the present that I made for him and I always try to say or do little things to let him know I love him or I am thinking about him. And its not about spending money. I don't care that he doesn't buy me gifts all the time, that's not what it's about. It's about finding a way to show the person that you are with that you care about them. It is about the little gestures that mean the world. I am the type of person who believes that you can't just tell someone that you love them and they magically believe it because you say it. You have to show it to them. They need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them by your actions. But when you have someone that is so logically minded and so practical and doesn't care about the emotional stuff, how do you make them understand why it is important to you? It doesn't matter to him, so he can't understand why it would matter to me.
    Ugh, the last thing that I have wanted to do while he is gone is fight. I really thought the time apart would give us time to talk to each other and work some things out, but it seems like it has made things even more strenuous. When he went to Korea we talked, I mean really talked, more in that month than we probably had in 2 years. I was hoping this would be kind of the same. I mean, he is not deployed right now, he is just at training. So we have plenty of time to talk, but what ends up happening is we open a video chat and he is watching tv or surfing the internet, so I check my email or facebook or whatever, and we can be on at the same time for an hour and not say anything to eachother. That, to me, is frustrating. When he gets to Iraq there is a good chance we will hardly be able to talk at all, and I feel like we are wasting the time that we do have not talking, or fighting when we are talking. But I don't believe that you can work out a problem by ignoring it. Turning off the computer and the phone just leaves the problem to build more and more, it doesn't make it magically dissolve. We suck at communication with eachother. We always have. We both communicate in very different ways, so when we are mad we both want to deal with the fight in our own separate ways. His way is to ignore me for as long as he is mad at me, and my way is to talk until the problem is solved. He has the advantage because he can turn off the phone and the computer and he wins. I can't force him to talk. He doesn't care how hard that is for me, or how much it hurts me because all that matters is he won. Like I said, we both played a part in the fight starting, but I feel like he is the reason it went on as long as it did (and since we still aren't speaking since he went to bed, I guess it is still kind of going on), although he probably blames me. But either way, after all of the things he did and said, tomorrow if I have any hope of talking to him at all, I am not going to be allowed to talk about how I feel about todays events or how what he said and did hurt me because if I do, I run the risk of him just shutting off the phone and computer again. So I have to act like nothing happened, pretend that I am not hurt and angry, and once again we ignore the problem until it festers and opens up again.
     So, here I sit. Instead of being able to talk to my husband and try to fix the problem, my only outlet is a blog. I have to sit here and vent this way because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to lay mine on them so I don't want to call a family member or friend, I obviously can't talk to him because heaven forbid we actually talk about our problems in order to solve them. So I write about it. It is really hard to be married and feel so alone. He is the one person that I should always be able to talk to, but never can. And that is just how it will be the rest of my life, because I would rather fight every day with him, than live a single day without him, because I do love him. So tomorrow I will pretend that today never happened, and the next fight I will do the same thing. And even if it hurts me every time, I will do it, because I would rather take the pain, than lose him. And no matter how bad our days get, our worst day could never be as bad as our best days are good, if that makes sense. 
    Then, to top it all off, I started having issues with my flash again, so I am going to have to give in and let them ship it off for 3 weeks, which means no shoots for three weeks. I have to either reschedule or cancel any shoots that I have coming up, which sucks. So today has just not been my day.
    Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and there will be no fighting and we will make up, or pretend today didn't happen, or whatever the case may be, just as long as its not another bad day. I really do want to try to keep a positive outlook throughout this time. I have enough stress here at home without having to deal with fighting and drama on top of it. We both need love and support from one another right now, not this crap that we have been dishing out the last couple of days. 
    With every day that passes I am getting more and more tired. Austin wakes up several times a night. He was up almost every hour last night. Aiden wakes up once or twice but usually goes right back to sleep, but I have to get up and rush to Austins room so he doesn't wake Aiden up. I could let him sleep in my room but I really don't want to start that trend. So hopefully tonight goes better because the more tired I get the more irritable I am, which probably contributes to our fights. Like I said, I am not blameless in all of this. But it has been a rough few days. I thought this 3 weeks was going to go by fast, but it has only been a week and already it feels like a month. It is dragging by so slowly. I just want my husband to come home, even if it is only for the 2 weeks so that we can ease some of the tension that is going on right now. I hate fighting period, but more so when it is with him. But I can't compete with the sign out button. Not much I can do at that point.
    Well, tomorrow is another day and I will do whatever it takes to make it a good one! Then MOnday is playgroup! Thank goodness! I am sure the boys are more than ready for it! Then the next night my bestie is coming over for a sleepover, which I am really looking forward to! Maybe it will help me keep my mind off of everything for a bit! 
    The highlight of my day is a little tougher to find today, but every day that I have my family is a good day. I love my boys and I love my husband and no stupid fight, no matter how hurt or angry I am, is going to change that. So, I am going to drag myself up the stairs to my bedroom, bring my laptop to work on some edits, grab a glass of wine, and put a movie on the tv and try to salvage the rest of my evening! Sorry for the vent session but it has been building all night and I had to let it out somewhere and I would rather it be on here than in front of the kids or something. So on that note, I am out of here and good night! I will hopefully have a more positive post for tomorrow! 

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 6

     I am making my post a little early tonight. It is not even 8 and I am exhausted. It is crazy because this time last week we were planning for David's departure the next day. Seems like it has been a lot longer. I have not been this tired in years. You know when you are pregnant and you are exhausted all of the time? It feels like that. Before you ask, no, I am not Just worn out. Seems like every day had been incredibly busy. I had a photo shoot today, which I think went really well :) And I have another one tomorrow. Then Sunday is probably when I will end up doing my math final exam and Monday is playgroup. So Tuesday is the next day that I won't have to leave the house, but I will be busy with photo edits. Then there are the kids. And that is where the full time job kicks in. See, mealtime doesn't just consist of eating. I have to figure out what to feed them, fix it, Aiden will eat contently but getting Austin to sit down and eat is like pulling teeth. I feel like I have to be a drill sergeant in his face telling him to eat his food. it is a constant battle. Then, inevitably, Aiden will throw half of his food on the floor. So I let him up, clean up the food on the floor, while still instructing Austin to sit down and eat. An hour later when Austin has finally eaten everything that I am going to get him to eat, I let him up and clean up his mess. And that happens three times a day. That alone is exhausting. So even on days when I don't have anything going on, I am still completely Plus I am still trying to catch up on the chores that we slacked off on when David was getting ready to leave. I am behind in the laundry, there are still boxes that need sorted through, the floors need to be cleaned, I have to get myself fed, there is just always something. My favorite quote of the day has to be when a man comes home to his stay-at-home Mom/wife and makes some snide comment like "Well, its not like you did anything today". I would love to see one of them walk a day in our shoes! lol! 
    My babysitter was a godsend today though. She is one of the nicest people I know, and since David is gone and everything we talked about it and she is going to start watching the boys here instead of me taking them to her. It works out better for both of us that way because her house is not as big as ours since it is just her and her husband and we have all the kids stuff here, so it just makes more sense. So today was the first time that she came and when she showed up I was in a bit of a frenzy because I had been trying to clean up before she came, and I made the mistake of giving both boys full cups of milk before bed, so they both peed through their diapers so I had to bathe them and wash all of their sheets and everything, plus get ready for my photo shoot, and straighten up. Well, when she got there I had gotten most of it done but there were still some minor things. A few dishes in the sink, toys all over the downstairs. And when I got home the boys playroom was picked up and the dishes were done! Don't laugh at me, but I almost cried. All I could think of on the way home was all of the stuff that I still had to do, and it was just such a good feeling to come home and have a couple of things scratched off of my list. It probably didn't seem like much to her, but I can promise you, she has no idea how much it meant to me. 
    So, here I am at 8, exhausted and both boys are wide awake. They have been going to bed at a decent time, but with Austin waking up and getting up earlier than we are used to every day, I am still constantly tired. Maybe my body just has to adjust to the new routine. And all of that being said, today was definitely not a bad day, so I am grateful for that. I miss my morning coffees for sure, but my stomach does not like to cooperate with me in my old age. . .lol! So coffee drinks tear me up, which is unfortunate because they would really come in handy! LOL! Maybe I will walk over to the shoppette with the boys in the morning and get an energy drink or something. That might help. 
    I have been able to "talk" to David quite a bit today. But honestly, it consists of us having the video chat up, but he is always distracted doing other things on the computer, so I check my email 50 times in 5 minutes or surf facebook or whatever. I did finish his surprise today and I am so excited to see the finish product when it gets here! It will be in production for 3-4 days and I got the 2 day shipping, so I doubt I will get it next week, but definitely should by the following. 
    Well, I am going to lay down and listen to the sound of my children playing in Austin's room down the hall. . .lol. I will probably try to put them to bed in 20 minutes or so, but for now I just want to lay down and not move for a few minutes! LOL!
     The highlight of my day was definitely  coming home to a house cleaner than I left it, rather than the other way around, which was what I expected. Thank you so much Stephanie! Now to get some rest! Good night! 

Day 5

     Every day of this process has had its ups and downs. I am happy to say that today was mostly ups. Luckily, the thing that ruined it came at the very end of the day (can't say that I am surprised by it) but that is all I am going to say on that! Today was a good day and I am going to focus on that! I woke up to the sound of my oldest son calling "Mommy, wake up!" from down the hall. Any day that I wake up to that voice is a good day :) It was the first day that we didn't really have anything on the agenda so we just kind of hung out most of the day. I was able to finish my history final project and get it turned in, so that is one less thing to worry about. I do still have a math final to do, so I will probably try to get that done tomorrow night, depending on if the kids will let me!
    We went to the BX and picked up some things. I got a phone card and some other items for my adopted soldier. He is deployed and his wife is a contractor and is over there as well. They have a 2 year old son back in the states staying with a relative, so my heart really goes out to them and I am so glad that I can offer even just a little help. And even though I adopted him, I am able to send things for both of them, so it is nice to know that I am helping more than just one person. I gave him the number and pin for the phone card earlier and I could tell that he was very grateful for it. I just wish there was more that I could do!
    Tomorrow afternoon I have a photo shoot, so it will be my first time leaving the boys since David left. I am a little worried because Aiden started showing signs of separation anxiety before David even left. Both boys have been fine since David left, but me leaving on top of that, even only for a little bit, might be magnified by the fact that David has been gone for a week now. Tomorrow will have to kind of be the test run, I suppose. If they do not do ok with me leaving, I will have to seriously consider stepping back from the photography business for a little while, whether it be until they are able to adjust or if I have to wait til this deployment is over. Either way, the kids come first always. The babysitter will be coming here from now on, so hopefully that will make a huge difference. They will not have to be taken out of their comfort zone.
    Austin is still waking up several times a night. It is always in the first hour or two after he goes to bed, too. It's not at like 2 or 3 in the morning. So maybe it is just a matter of him getting into a good deep sleep. He made me sing him Twinkle Twinkle Little Star about 50 times tonight, then he had me hum to him for 15 minutes or so. Now he is out cold.
    I finished most of David's surprise tonight. I have one final touch that I want to add to it, but I should be able to get that done tomorrow and have it ordered! I can't wait to see how it turns out once it actually gets here and everything.
    Well, the last 20 minutes have pretty much pushed me past the point of exhaustion in more ways than one, so I am getting off of here for the night! The highlights of my day were letting Austin put all of our "groceries" on the counter when we were at the BX (He really likes to show what a big boy he is! I don't know what I would do without those boys), reading the boys their bedtime story, and singing my kids to sleep. All of the positivity that those boys brings to my life outweighs any negativity that other people throw into it! Those boys are the best thing that ever happened to me :)   

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 4

     Today was better :) I woke up at 9:15 just not sure if I really wanted to get up for playgroup. Then to top it off, as I was waking up, David was getting home from work, so I really didn't want to leave because I wanted to talk to him. But I felt this tug and I just knew I wouldn't feel right if I didn't go. It is good for me, but more importantly, it has been REALLY good for the kids! So we went, and I am so glad we did. Austin really got involved in music time today. Since this was our 3rd time going, he knew the words to the songs and the dance moves a lot better, so he went right up front with the lady that leads it and he sang with her and danced! It was such an amazing thing to watch. I was so proud of him! Granted, there were a few other kids that went up too, so it's not like he was the only one that did it, but he was the only one I saw :) 
    Unfortunately, I think he has outgrown naptime or something. He has not napped at all for the last 3 nights. But then, those same 3 nights when he has gone to bed, he has woken up crying several times, so I am wondering if he is having nightmares. He has woken up 3 times tonight. The first 2 times I went in there and rubbed his head til he went back to sleep, but the last time he was sobbing and begging to go to Mommy's bed, so I let him. I will take him back in a little bit though because I don't want to get him in the habit of sleeping in here. So I don't know if the lack of napping is having some sort of affect on his sleep at night or if it is because his Dad is gone, because that is when it started. I just worry about my baby :(
    On a good note, I got a good chunk of my History final project done today! So far it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be! I am not looking forward to my math final though! I also started a project for David. Those of you that have me on Facebook can see the link, but I can't say anymore on here because David sometimes reads my blogs, so I don't want to give it away because it's a surprise! So, I feel pretty accomplished today! The moodiness was definitely down today, which I am glad about. No one likes to feel like a grouch! And I am sure Austin didn't like it much either! LOL! 
    Well, I need to put Austin back to bed and get myself to sleep too! The highlight of my day absolutely had to be watching Austin up singing and dancing and Aiden was bouncing along with the singing too! It was such a great time! I am so thankful for this playgroup because it really has turned out to be a good thing for me and the kids! I can't wait to take David to one when he gets home! He will be so thrilled to watch the boys running around and playing and doing crafts and singing songs! If you don't already go, I strongly encourage it! The one we go to is at the Hickam Community Center on Mondays and Wednesdays from 10-11:30! Make sure you bring a snack for the little ones! I am out of here! Have a great night!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 3

    Another day down. Seems like the days are dragging by so slowly. I was typing in the title and realizing it was only day 3. It feels like it  has been a week. The stress is starting to get to me a little bit. I still feel ok, but I notice myself getting more and more frustrated with smaller and smaller things. I am really having the biggest struggle with Austin, our 2 year old. He knows that Daddy is the "enforcer" and Daddy isn't here, so he is taking advantage of that. I have always been the "softie" and David has always been the one to dish out the tough love. So Austin has kind of become desensitized in a sense. So sometimes it is hard to deal with him without his father here to put some fear in him. . .lol. I don't know if it is that Austin is pushing harder, or that I am just getting moodier. Probably a combination of both. I definitely had a few moments today when I just wanted to put them in Austin's room to play and lock myself in my own room! LOL! I love my kids with all of my heart, but I don't think I realized how much I depended on the evenings (or mornings depending on his shift) that David would come home and kind of take over kid duties so that I could just relax for a few minutes and catch my breath. It has only been 3 days! How am I going to do it for 7 months and keep my sanity? LOL! I know that the boys and I will be fine, but my days of thinking this was going to go by fast have definitely come to an abrupt halt.
     Part of me really wants to take a month or two while he is gone and go home. It would be a huge relief for me (aside from the flight with 2 toddlers), and it might help the time go more quickly. But it would cost about $1,300 for all 3 plane tickets. David is a very practical minded person. He will not necessarily take into account what life will be like for me with 2 toddlers in a place I have only been for a few months, with no family nearby, and the few friends I have been fortunate enough to make. He will just see the dollar signs. We balance each other well in that way. I am very emotion driven and he is very practical, so usually we find a happy medium. I know that me and the boys will be fine here, but I do think going home would make a huge difference. But it is hard to push the issue because I feel like it is weakness on my part. Women do it all the time. And many of them even have more children than I do. I feel like my desire to go home is like admitting that I cannot handle things on my own. That is not the case, of course I can handle them here, but would it be nice to be surrounded by family for a little while? Definitely. However, whenever I start to consider talking to him about it, I just feel like he will see that as a sign of weakness or failure on my part and no one wants to feel that way. So it is something I have been very conflicted about. I know I wouldn't win the argument anyways, because in all honesty, I can't really justify spending the money either, as much as I want to. 
    These last couple days have really given me some insight as to how the rest of this time will go, though. I think I have a lot of stress in my near future and I just hope that it doesn't carry over too much in my interaction with the kids. I want things to stay as normal as possible for them while all of this is going on. However, like I said, Austin and I have definitely butted heads on more than one occasion since Saturday. I think the gravity of the situation is definitely starting to kick in. 
    Anyways, enough of that. On a different note, we had the initial home visit for Aiden today. It was mostly just informative, her gathering information on Aiden and telling me what to expect over the next several months. She was not able to give me any type of assessment of the situation today, but when they come back next week for the actual evaluation, they should be able to give me some idea of what their thoughts are and everything. I am more than ready to have some answers so I dread, but look forward to it all at the same time. I am just hoping it will turn out to be nothing serious and we can stop worrying and move on. But either way, I just want to know so that I don't constantly have scenarios running through my mind. 
    Well, it is WAY past my bedtime. Sleep has not been coming easy to me, so I am about ready to crash! I am hoping we will wake up in time for playgroup, but part of me doesn't hate the idea of sleeping in, so we will see what happens.
    The highlight of my day was putting Austin to bed and coming into my room and hearing "I love you Mommy" and responding with "I love you Austin" followed by "I love you Mommy". This probably went on a good 5 minutes or so! LOL! But I just didn't have the heart to tell him to go to sleep when he was saying the most amazing words to me that he possible could :) And on that note, I am heading to sleep! Good night!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 2

     Well, today has definitely been a roller coaster of a day. I stayed up really late last night so I didn't know if we would get up for playgroup at the Community Center this morning, but Austin woke up at 9 and I brought him in my room and was super tempted to go back to sleep! But I know that playgroup is important for the kids and it is good for me too :) So we went, and again, I am glad that we did. Austin and I made a craft for Daddy. It was gluing fishies to a piece of blue construction paper, then coloring in the fishies. So we still have some coloring to do, but I know his Dad will love it :) And I tried to color with Aiden but my little piggy just wants to eat the crayons, so I saved the few lines he did color since it was his first time :)
    After playgroup we came home and Aiden took a nap while Austin watched cartoons in the playroom. I put all the maternity pics on a disc and got them ready for delivery, then we just hung out til Aiden woke up. After that we delivered the CD and went grocery shopping. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because I was able to snag one of the baskets that seats 2 and looks like a car. Austin loves to "drive" so that worked out very nicely. Then we came home and had dinner and the boys went to bed really early because they are tired and I am exhuasted. 
    We have been able to talk to David a good amount today which is good. He got to see the boys on cam quite a bit. They still don't really know whats going on, which I am happy about. I was really worried about Austin but he has been fine. I don't think he even realizes David is gone. I know that probably hurts David's feelings a little bit, but it really is the best thing for Austin. 
    I still don't really know how I feel right now. I can tell that I am starting to get a little stressed because I am getting kind of irritable, but I don't feel any different other than that or anything. There has never been a time where he has left and I have just been ok with it. I know it will be different when he really leaves, I know that that will be very hard. I almost kind of miss having that strong emotional response when he left. It reminded me how much I love him and why my life would not be complete without him. And don't get me wrong, that still holds true, it just really bothers me that it wasn't hard to watch him leave and it hasn't been much different not having him here. I think part of the reason that it bothered me was because growing up, there was a certain couple in my family that slept in separate beds for as far back as I can remember. They were married, and I know that they loved each other in their own way, but I don't ever remember seeing any intimacy or affection between them, I don't think I even remember seeing them so much as kiss. Like I said, I know that they loved each other in their own way and they lived a content life together, but that is not the type of marriage that I want or could be content with. So when I notice the little things like this they bother me a lot. I want the kind of marriage where 10 or even 20, heck 50 years down the road we walk everywhere hand in hand. Anyways, I am trying not to read too much into things right now. As a lot of people have told me, every time they leave it is different and every person handles it differently. There is no right or wrong way. I am very glad that I have been able to make this transition with ease, but I think it is kind of the calm before the storm because I know the actual deployment is when the true test starts. That will be when the constant worrying sets in, and I have heard that it will either be the fastest or the longest 6 months of my life. . .
    On a different note, today was a very difficult day for me for a very different reason. I got a call from my Grandmother and they had to put one of our dogs down. He was the one that I was the closest to and I was one of the people that he was closest to. He started out as my uncles dog but went to live with my grandparents when he kept jumping the fence. He instantly became part of our family. At that time, my grandparents also had the dog that my parents had gotten for me and my brothers because we had moved to Japan and couldn't take her. She was about 6 or 7 when she got severe hip displaysia and she had to be put down. I had been living with my grandparents for a while at this point, and Midnight was my dog so I took it very hard. As weird as it might sound, Guiness was a huge comfort to me during that time and many others. Almost every night when I lived there I would go out on the back porch and he would come right out there with me and sit with me as long as I stayed out there. I would just play music and look at the stars or the lights of the valley and every night he was right by my side. He lived a very long life and lived a lot longer than anyone thought that he would, but that call today was still a very hard call to get. Some people probably won't understand it, but in my family our pets are part of the family. And he has been around for a big part of mine. I was around him from the time I was 14. Even just writing about this makes me want to cry again. It will be very hard to go home and not see him there. I know that today has not been an easy day for the rest of my family either.   
    Anyways, before I start totally bawling again, I am absolutely exhausted and looking forward to some video time with the hubby so I am going to close for the night. The highlight of my day was when I was putting my kids to bed (that part was great, but there's more! LOL!) I took Austin in and started to tuck him in and he said "No Mommy, read my bedtime stowie" so we read his Winnie the Pooh book together :)   

Day 1

     Surprisingly, today was still just like a normal day, except that David did not come home from work. Austin got to do a video call with his Daddy for a few minutes before nap, but naturally, Aiden woke up right after David got offline to go to bed. I still don't feel any different. It has never been this easy when he has left before. He has had other short TDY's, one that was only a week when I was pregnant with Austin and even that was a lot harder than this for some reason. Maybe it is just a growing up thing. I was 21 when he went for his 1 week TDY, now I will be 25 in January. That may not be that many years, but I think that there is a huge difference in the maturity level of a 21 year old and that of a 25 year old in many cases, so maybe that is a big part of it. Maybe it is because this time there  is nothing major going on in our lives. He has left twice, the one week trip that I mentioned, then the Korea trip which happened right after Aiden was born and he had colic and reflux so I was up all night with Aiden and up all day with Aiden and having to find time in there to video chat with David, so it was a strenuous time. Nothing like that this time. 
    I can tell that we are already getting a little stressed out, whether I feel it or not, because the few seconds we actually have talked since he left were kind of snippy, so obviously we are going to have to get adjusted to doing the long distance thing again, but it seems to always kind of start out this way, so we'll see what the next few days hold. 
    Well, I am going to keep this one short. I was ready for bed at 8 but stayed up to catch David before he went to work, but didn't really get to talk to him anyways, and it is 2, so I am definitely feeling a little crabby right now and ready to get some sleep! LOL! The highlight of the day was getting up and making breakfast for my boys :) And I got my whole kitchen finished! We had junk laying around like paperwork that needed to be sorted through, and we have kind of neglected the chores getting ready for David to leave so I got those done so it was nice to feel like I accomplished something too! Anyways, I am off to bed! Good night!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Our First Goodbye

     Today pretty much felt like any other day for the first half or so. We got up, but David still had to get some packing done, so he worked on that. We had a few errands to run, grabbed some lunch at the BX then came home and got ready to head to the airport. Apparently the rules have changed so I was not able to get a gate pass since this trip wasn't actually his deployment trip so we just hung out in baggage claim. Surprisingly the airport was virtually empty so we were by ourselves the whole time. The boys got a little tired and fussy so he walked around pushing them in the stroller until Aiden fell asleep, then Austin got up and played in the chairs. Then when it was time for David to go we walked him up to security and said our goodbye's and watched him walk away waving and blowing kisses until we couldn't see him anymore. Then we headed home.
     The boys pretty much went right to sleep when we got home, but David's flight left at 4, which was around when we got home, so they slept until about 6. When they woke up Austin looked around for his Daddy then went to wait by the window for him. So I figured instead of trying to explain it to him it would be easier to just distract him so we went to the BX and NEX and we got crayons, 3 new coloring books so we can color pictures to send to Daddy, some construction paper, a ruler, and some glue so we can make a countdown chain to count the days til Daddy gets home, and a new night night book that was about Winnie the Pooh and had a bunch of short stories. Then we had Taco Bell for dinner, followed by bath time, teeth brushing and bed! So, all things considered, it wasn't a terrible day.
     Even though David has never been deployed, we have had more than our fair share of airport scenes, especially when we were both still active duty and stationed in two different places. Every single time there have been tears and it has been awful. Today, it definitely was not easy to watch him leave, but I didn't even get the urge to cry. Maybe it is because I know that he will only be gone a few weeks. Maybe I am finally old enough and mature enough to realize that it is not the end of the world if I am not with him every minute of every day. I don't know what it is, but there was definitely something very different about this time. I am sure that the next time won't be nearly as easy because that will be the real deal. Maybe that is a big part of it too. Maybe the looming threat of the deployment, where we know he will be gone for at least 6 1/2 months (and let's not kid ourselves, no one ever comes home on time so it will probably be longer) has kind of put everything into perspective and 3 weeks seems like nothing compared to that. That is probably a big part of it. 
     I am starting to have to make some serious decisions too. One of the biggest ones is am I going to go home during this deployment for a little while. When he went to Korea for a month right after Aiden was born I went home for 2 weeks of it and got to see my grandparents that whole side of my family, plus I got to see my parents too, and everyone got to see the kids, and Aiden was the new baby at the time, so it was great to see everyone. I would love to go home but there are 2 serious things to consider. One is the expense. 3 plane tickets will not come cheap. Also, there is the fact that I would have to fly alone with 2 toddlers. I would have to figure out how to get our bags and their carseats, plus I would be bringing the stroller. That would be a lot of work and I would have to do it alone both ways. Plus it is at least a 6 hour flight. And again, the money part. So it is not an easy decision to make. Especially because I know that I will probably be perfectly fine here by myself with the kids. It's not like I "need" to go home because I can't handle it all on my own ya know? It would just be nice. If we were still in Cali it would be a no brainer. 12 hours in the car with 2 kids is way preferable to 6 hours on a plane! At least in the car I am the only one that has to hear it if they are screaming. In a plane everyone else has to hear it. Plus driving we could just stop whenever we needed and grab food or a hotel room or whatever. I guess we will just have to see what happens as the time draws closer. 
      Well, I just got to talk to David, he is at his first layover in Chicago. He said that he was not able to get any sleep on his flight, but he downloaded some movies on his ipod before he left, so at least he had some entertainment. He watched Book of Eli, but said it wasn't very good. I was just waiting up for that call from him so on that note I am heading to bed! It is 1:20 in the morning and I am exhausted! Hope the boys sleep in a bit!

Highlight of the Day: Definitely had to be waking up next to my husband, even though it was the last time for a few weeks. Every day that I wake up to him and my boys I know that my life is exactly as it should be <3   

Friday, October 15, 2010

Countdown Day 1

     What a day! After another night of pretty much just tossing and turning and not much sleeping, we got up super early to get prepared for the "mandatory fun day" at Bellows for David's work. There is a big chunk of the day that I am not even going to get into! Anyways, we dropped the boys off, then we headed to the beach! I had my boogie board packed and ready to go, and imagine my surprise when we hear the announcement that no one, to include family members, was allowed to go in the water for the duration of the event! Apparently, they would have had to hire 1 lifeguard to every 150 people and someone said it would have cost close to $700! So we were really bummed about that. But they had food and drinks out and several events going on. We ran into several people we knew from previous duty stations. One of my old coworkers from Tinker is now stationed here and working with David which is crazy! Then we know several people here from Beale, and also someone we met on a long TDY I accompanied David for in early 2007. So it was neat to kind of reminisce with those people. It really is a small world in the military!
     Anyways, I ended up winning two hula hoop contests representing my husbands squadron, but lost my last one :( In my defense, it was 2 people from another squadron against me, so I really didn't have a chance! LOL! But it was a lot of fun. The burgers were actually really good! So that was definitely a plus.
     Finally when all of the events were over we were able to go in the water for a little bit. I caught a few really good waves, but as I was heading out of the water I got stung by a Portuguese Man of War Jellyfish right on my inner thigh! Ouch! But it only hurt for about an hour or so. Now as long as I don't touch it it's fine. Then we got the boys, came home, and I bombed my math quiz :( Oops.
     That pretty much sums up my day, but as I go to the calendar and mark off today, that leaves the next open day with a big glaring "David Leaves" note right in my face about as subtle as a billboard. I am still doing ok with it though. I think that since we know he is coming back in a few weeks, this first round shouldn't (hopefully) be too hard. We found out his flight actually leaves 3 hours later than we thought it did, so hey, I will take whatever time I can get! He still has not really packed yet. I think it is taking just as long to sink in for him as it is for me. 
     Well, I am going to cut this one short. I am exhausted and the boys passed out at 7 which means they will more than likely wake up very early tomorrow! So we are heading to bed! But the highlight of my day was definitely getting to spend some quality time with my husband before he leaves! Good night!

Countdown Day 2

     What a day! We had a pretty good one today! The boys woke up in pretty bad moods, but they mellowed as the day went on. I got some photo edits done for the maternity shoot that I did and watched a couple of movies with the kids. Then when David got home I informed him that I was taking him and the boys out for dinner :) We went to a restaurant on base called the Sea Breeze. It is a beautiful place right on the ocean with a beautiful wood balcony with the tables right out there overlooking the water and the sunset. It is almost like a place you would picture if you were listening to the Jimmy Buffet song "Bama Breeze". The one drawback is that every time we have gone the food has been terrible! LOL! But it was still worth the money for the ambiance. After dinner we took the boys for a walk along the beach even though it was dark and Austin chased the "crabbies". It was a beautiful night and we really enjoyed it.
     Thankfully at the last minute we found someone to watch the boys tomorrow! David has a work function at Bellows! For those of you that are not in Hawaii, Bellows is a beach on the other side of the island that is absolutely beautiful! It is exactly what you would expect to see on a post card of a tropical island! Remember the aqua blue Kool-Aid? It looks EXACTLY like that! Gorgeous! There are beautiful mountains in the background and a few little islands scattered around. It is truly amazing! That is actually where I have done most of my family photo shoots. Anyways, as if I hadn't made it clear, Bellows is one of our favorite spots on the island. It has only one drawback. Every time we go we see at least 2 Portuguese Man of War jellyfish on shore and last time we went David actually got stung by one! And I narrowly escaped getting stung. I almost walked right into one in the water. So we don't like to take the kids there anymore. Anyways, David has a work function there tomorrow so we will be going to that, and luckily we found someone to watch the boys.
     Well, he leaves the day after tomorrow. I am still waiting for it to hit, but my brain just doesn't seem to want to process it. You know how when your body realizes that it is in extreme pain the brain shuts it down and you faint? I wonder if this is something like that; a defense mechanism. Maybe I realize that this is going to be a painful time for our family so my brain has just kind of shut down in that department. I had a little bit of a moment today. I was just sitting on the couch playing around on my laptop. I wasn't thinking about the deployment, I wasn't watching or reading anything sad. Nothing out of the ordinary. And all of a sudden I just started tearing up. I did not feel any sadness or reason to cry, if anything it was kind of annoying because I wasn't actually crying; tears were just falling down my face. It only lasted about 5 minutes and that was that. But it still got me thinking. Why don't I feel anything? No pain, no fear, just nothing. I almost hate admitting that because it makes me look cold and unfeeling, but that is not the case. I don't want him to go and I will miss him when he is gone. 
     Right after Aiden was born when we found out David was going to be sent to Korea, I remember as he told me I got a knot in my stomach and my throat closed up and I almost had a breakdown right then and there and he was only leaving for a month. Granted I had a newborn with colic and reflux and a 16 month old, so I guess that would be enough to panic anyone, but still. I don't feel anything close to that this time. Is it just that I am getting older and more mature and can handle more now or what? It's really frustrating. I almost wish I was a mess and breaking down right now because at least that would be a normal reaction. But either way, I know that I love him and I know that I miss him, and no matter what the coming days bring I know that I will do everything that I can to continue to stay strong for my boys.
     While we are extremely happy about David getting to come home for 2 weeks and be here for Thanksgiving, we discussed some of the downfalls of it too this evening. For instance, he will be gone just long enough for the boys and I to get into a routine and get used to him being gone, then he will be back. But conversely, he will be home just long enough for us to get used to him being here again, then he will be gone again. And the more frightening worry; when he leaves the first time, Austin will not necessarily understand the significance of the airport scene. But after the first time going and dropping Daddy off at the airport, then he doesn't come back for a long time, he might understand it more the second time. I was 3 years old the first time my father, who served over 20 years in the Air Force, left for a short tour at Korea. Don't ask me how I remember him leaving but I do. I may have only been 3 but that memory is something I will never forget. I knew he was leaving and I tried to chase him onto the plane. My grandmother, I believe, grabbed me before I made it too far. Maybe that was after his R&R so I realized what the airport meant. I don't know. All I know is I remember it. And as hard as it will be to put my husband on a plane to Iraq, it would break my heart even more to watch my son struggle to chase his father screaming after him. Whew, I am tearing up just thinking about that. That scene is something no mother would be ready to face. My heart would be breaking for myself, but even worse for my child. 
     We made the decision to have, not only homecoming photos done, but also to have our friend at the airport to do photos when David leaves. I know quite a few people that have done this, and I realize it is not a common practice, but we decided it is something we want to do. Good or bad, it is an important moment in our lives. I had someone ask me why we decided to do it and I didn't really know how to answer her question at the time, so it is something I have been really reflecting on. First of all, there is the obvious. Heaven forbid it, and no one wants to think like this, but there is a (hopefully remote) possibility that that may be the last time we ever see him. You don't want to think like that, but in this case you almost have to. Some people would argue that he could get in his car to go to work and that might be the last time you see him too and they would have a very valid point. But I think anyone would know that this situation is a little different. Things are not as bad as they have been in Iraq, but they are by no means safe either. I kind of laughed at David because he does this kind of macho thing sometimes and when we were renewing our vows when he gave me the dogtags he made a speech and he said "I am going off to a dangerous place, to do a dangerous thing..." and the way he said it is like he should have been in some indy film or something! LOL! I gave him so much crap about it later, but really, it is true. He is going to a dangerous place and we have not lost sight of that. But that part aside, like I said, good or bad, this is an important moment in our lives. So yes, our faces will probably be red and puffy from crying and it will be a very sad occasion, but I think it is important to do at the same time. There are probably a lot of people that would disagree with me, but we both felt it was important.
     I don't think it has really become real for him yet either. He hasn't even started packing his bag yet. We will be gone most of the day tomorrow and he flies out the next day and he has not packed a single article of clothing. I think that this is going to creep up on us really quick, and when that happens, and you don't really emotionally prepare yourself, that is when it hits really hard. But he leaves the day after tomorrow. And in an hour and a half I will be saying he is leaving tomorrow. I just don't know what to do with that.
     Well, I have a math test to get to so I am going to close here for the night, but I want to end on my positive note! So my highlight for the day was definitely walking along the beach with my family. David was holding Aiden's hand, and Austin was holding mine, and for the first time, the boys joined hands and walked together too. So we were all connected for that 20 minutes along the beach. What I would have given to have a picture of that!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Countdown Day 3

     Today has been a busy and productive day, but it did not start out feeling that way. I am finding it really hard to sleep at night. I don't know if I am having weird dreams and they are waking me up but I just don't remember them or if it is because I know that my nights of having my husband nice and warm in bed next to be are quickly coming to a temporary end. So I woke up this morning thinking "I am just going to sleep in a couple extra hours instead of going to this playgroup". I even went as far as sending my friend a message to cancel on her. But in the end, I knew how much the boys would enjoy it, and how good it would be for me to get out of the house and interact with other Mom's. So I got up and I went and I am so glad that I did! The boys had a great time (but they got a little fussy towards the end because it was naptime). It was in a large room and the doors were all closed and there were tons of toys everywhere and crafts set up on the table! I was able to just let both boys out and they ran around and played and they were pretty much always where I could see them so I didn't have to worry. Then they had clean up time, followed by snack time while the woman leading the group read stories. Then they sang songs (Austin has been singing "If you're happy and you know it" all day! So I am really glad that I went and I plan to continue going!
      Right as we got home I had to start getting the boys ready to go to the babysitter so that I could go to a photo shoot, but I got a surprise call from my husband telling me that he could meet me for lunch! So we dropped off the boys and had lunch together and ran a couple hours. The woman I did photos for was nice enough to let me come a little late so I didn't have to miss out on the time with David. We took the boys ABU's to get nametapes and stripes sewn on (they are going to be little E-2's!) and picked up the oil so we could go do that later. Then I went to my photo shoot, which I think went really well, but I haven't seen the pics yet! I will be working on those after I finish this!
     Finally, David got home from work so we took the boys to the sitter and went and changed the oil. It was nice to work on the vehicles together. We haven't done that since before either of the boys were born so it was a nice way to spend the evening. Not exactly a candle lit dinner, but it was still an intimate evening in our own way. . .Does that sound weird? The might sound a little weird. . .LOL!
     Now I sit here with the hustle and bustle of the busy day behind me and my thoughts are starting to catch up to me. I have been completely scatter brained for the last week or so. Even though I don't feel like I am on the brink of a break down or anything like that at this point, I walk around in a constant state of distraction. I don't feel distracted, but I find myself forgetting the most simple things, and just not ever really focused. Anyone that didn't know me that met me this week would probably think I was a complete idiot. . .lol. 
     I look at the title of this post and I realize that the time is really drawing near. Tomorrow when someone asks me when he leaves I will be saying "the day after tomorrow" but it still just does not feel real. But from what everyone is telling me, I will cry the night before and at the airport but I won't really realize he is gone until he has already been gone for a while.
     This is the perfect time to introduce a new tidbit that I will be adding to my posts every day. One of my most awesome friends made a suggestion that her friend did when blogging about her husbands deployment. She always included a positive note and I think that is a great idea because one thing I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that even though my husband, my other half, will be gone and in a place that is not particularly safe, as bad as that may seem I still have many many amazing blessings in my life! The two most important of which would be my boys! And a have a long distance support system with friends and family, I also have a couple of friends here and hope to expand and make new friends while he is gone. So even when things seem bad, there is always lots of good too! So, my positive note for the day (I will come up with a witty name for it later) is that we got word that after David's first set of training he will be able to return home for 2 weeks! And even better, he will be home during Thanksgiving! See, always a silver lining!
     Well, on that note I have lots of photo edits to get to and a pregnant lady that will hunt me down if I don't get her some pics soon! LOL! Have a great night!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Reason For This Blog

     Anyone who has ever been affiliated with the military knows to expect the unexpected. My husband has been in the military for almost 7 years and has never deployed. So, in all honesty, when we got the news that he would be getting deployed, it really wasn't unexpected. However, when we found out on a Monday that he would be leaving the Saturday of the following week, that was definitely a little unexpected. 
     We just recently relocated to a new base, and even more recently, into a new home. We had barely gotten started unpacking the boxes. Life since then has been a whirlwind. So much to do so little time. In fact, things have been going so fast that I don't think my brain has really had time to process what is happening. He is leaving in a few days and it still doesn't feel like he is really leaving. I actually am almost ashamed to say that I feel ok with everything right now. The tough talks are done. The will, what should I do with his remains if he dies, what should I do if he lives but is on life support, what happens to our kids if we BOTH die. Even those talks weren't really as hard as I thought they would be.
     Is Friday or Saturday going to roll around and suddenly it hits me and I have a breakdown? How do I stay strong for my kids? How do I explain to my two year old, who goes to the window every afternoon to watch for his Daddy to come home, that Daddy won't be home for a long time? Daddy won't be here for Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas? My husband will miss all of the big holidays, plus his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day, our oldest son's birthday, and will hopefully make it home just in time for our youngest son's birthday. I don't think the 15 month old, Aiden, will really know what is going on. But Austin will. Thankfully we have technology that did not exist not so long ago. They boys will be able to talk to their Daddy and hopefully see him on the computer. But it won't be the same. And what will the normal everyday things be like? For instance, grocery shopping. I try to think about the "silver linings" like the fact that I will only have to clean up after me and the kids, absence makes the heart grow fonder, blah blah blah. But what will it really be like? 
     When we first got married we were stationed in 2 different places for the first 6 months of our marriage. But it was different. We had never lived together and we didn't have children. Aside from that, the longest we have been apart was 1 month when he went to Korea. Aiden was 3 weeks old with terrible colic and reflux, and Austin was 17 months old. It was hard, but not as bad as I thought it would be. But that was only a month. And I knew he was safe and sound and in a nice comfy hotel room not doing anything dangerous. I know that this will be completely different.
     We actually renewed our vows last Saturday on a beautiful cruise ship right at sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony (and I was amazed to find that 5 years and 2 kids later my original wedding dress still fit!). During the ceremony the Captain of the ship, who performed the ceremony, asked if we would like to exchange gifts. I kind of stood there realizing I was an idiot because I hadn't gotten him anything. But we had just spent about $500 for the cruise, so we really couldn't afford it. To my amazement my husband reaches in his pocket and informs us that he has a gift for me. He pulls out a set of his dog tags and puts them on me (which was actually kind of awkward thanks to my veil). He explains that while he is gone he will always have his set on and as long as I wear mine it will remind us of our love and the vows that we reaffirmed. He will also be attaching one of my dogtags to his set so he will always have it. It was very romantic. And now we both have a beautiful memory to hold onto while he is gone. 
     Right now the most difficult part is not knowing what to expect. I guess in a way that is why I decided to start this blog. A friend of mine told me that it would be very therapeutic. Depression is very high among spouses of deployed members so it is important to find an outlet. So I decided why not give it a try? Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very vocal person. I have a very hard time holding things in. But at the same time, I don't want to go around being the woman who only talks about the fact that her husband is deployed, who holds it in so much that when she does have conversations that dominates the whole conversation. So, this can be my outlet. And who knows, maybe someone else who is getting ready to go through this, because I know a lot of young couples that have not dealt with this yet, will be able to read this and see what I went through and maybe it will help them know what to expect. 
     I am going to try to post every day, but I have no clue what to expect once he is gone, so it may not work out that often. I guess this can just be my online diary that other people have access! But for now I am going to close for the night. Very busy day tomorrow! Taking the boys to a playdate at the community center. It will be good for them to meet other kids and it will be good for me to meet other moms. Then I have a maternity shoot, 4 photo CD's to mail, get nametapes for the boys little ABU's, change the oil in both vehicles, then edits to work on, and probably some homework in there somewhere! Busy busy busy! Goodnight :)