Hell Week Day 5

    Almost through the first week! It almost seems like it has been more than a week because so much has passed. In one day, I spoke to my husband 3 different times while he was in 3 different countries. Then, the next day I spoke to him twice and he was in 2 different countries. 5 countries in 2 days...not too shabby! LOL! 
    Today was another good, but uneventful day. Again, we stayed home and didn't do much. So this will be a quick post! I am getting things in order for my upcoming photo shoots. I still have not started fully booking again. I have one this Saturday and one the next, then one I am waiting to schedule. But I am trying to do them primarily in my house for the time being. I also finished crocheting some new props, so I am looking forward to using them on my newborn shoot next week! 
   Tomorrow I think I will go ahead and make the cranberry sauce for Thursday at the Bestie's! I got the kitchen clean today, so I am feeling good about that. Hate the thought of dirtying it again! LOL! But luckily cranberry sauce is easy clean up! So is sweet potato casserole, which is the other dish I am doing. 
   Well, it is night night time. Austin is still up jabbering, but I am beyond ready to get my sleep on! David is at work right now, so of course, as soon as I get to sleep he will wake me up, but that is more than ok with me :) I don't ever like to miss an opportunity to chat with him. Thank goodness my kids like to sleep in as much as I do! LOL!

Highlight of the Day: Can't use talking to my husband as the highlight of every day, so from now on, we will know that comes first and foremost. But aside from that, Austin has started doing this thing where he tells me or Aiden or his monkey or Scout, "I'm so glad you're here". Well, today I did hit a small rough spot and wasn't feeling so great, and Austin came up and gave me a hug and said "I'm so glad you're here Mommy". I don't even know if he really understands what that means, but my heart melted nonetheless. In that moment, nothing could have brought me down! I love my kiddos so much!

Hell Week Day 4

    Phew, what a day! It was pretty long because I didn't get to really talk to David at all. We talked early this morning (like 2 or 3 type early) when he was in one of the airports, then he started messaging me again when he got to his next stop, and I talked to him for a minute, but I literally fell asleep in the middle of a message! I felt so bad because when I woke up he had already boarded his next flight, and we didn't know when we were going to be able to talk next, and here I was falling asleep! 
     Then, we got up this morning, just in time for Aiden's home visit! I had set the alarms for 8:50, 8:55, and 9:00. I turned all 3 of them off.... When the 9:00 one went off I thought "I can sleep til 9:30, Aiden's appt is at 11:30, that will give me 2 hours, and it's here at the house so it's not like we have to go anywhere!". Well, 9:30 rolled around, and I decided to sleep til 10, 10 rolled around and I decided to sleep til 10:30, 10:30 rolled around and the kids were still sleeping, so I decided on 11! Only I shot straight up out of bed at about 10:45 because I realized I had forgotten to call the gate to get them in! Well, Hickam is stupid and doesn't let the spouses call, and I couldn't exactly get my husband to call! So, I called the lady and luckily she was already on base, and was with a spouse who was able to call her husband and have him get the other lady on, so it worked out! Near disaster averted! So I got up, got the boys ready and fed, picked up a little bit, and was ready just in time for her to get here.
    Today was more of a goal setting appointment. They had finished the eval and wanted to discuss the results with me, as well as set our goals for the next 6 months. His levels ranged from 10-16 months. So we prioritized the goals based on what we thought was more important. Over the next 30 days, the teacher will go over the evaluation results and the goals we set today, then she will comet to the house twice a week for the next 6 months, unless we can get Aiden caught up before then. In a way I am a little relieved to have help from this program. Obviously this is my first time raising kids, and my family is all on the mainland, so it will be nice to have someone give me ideas on how I can work with the boys on this stuff. And it will benefit our future children as well, because I will have more tools to use.
    About halfway through our appointment, there was a knock at the door and it was the UPS man! He was here to deliver my new 32 gig Ipod Touch 4g, which is my Christmas present from my wonderful husband! Engraved with the words "Merry Christmas 2010!!!!!! Love David, Austin and Aiden"! I love it because it has 2 cameras! One in the front and one in the back! And it also does HD video and video chat! In fact, I used it to make a video for David of me and the kids telling him we love him! I have a feeling that we will definitely get our moneys worth out of it and then some!
    Once the appointment was done, Aiden went up for nap and Austin played in the playroom and watched tv. I have also been waiting on a bracelet I had made. It is blue paracord and has a dog tag on it and I had it engraved with "Proudly supporting my Airman so he can support our country", and it came with a free paracord keychain, and I opted for the yellow Support the troops ribbon. Well, I have been watching the tracking and it said it was delivered today. So I go check the mail and nothing!!!! So I call the post office, and no one answers. So I just kept hitting redial til I got an answer! LOL! Someone hated me! But I didnt want to take a chance on not getting it, and it takes a while to get it made, so I didn't want to pay for and wait on another one. Well when I finally got through to someone we realized it had been delivered to my old address. She offered to have someone retrieve it and get it to me in the next day or 2, but I am impatient, so I went to the old house, knocked on the door, introduced myself, and she went and checked the mail and got it for me :) So I got both things I was waiting for in 1 day! How cool is that? And the bracelet wasn't supposed to be delivered til tomorrow and FedEx website said my Ipod wasn't going to get here til Wednesday! So I really lucked out! 
     After that, the boys and I ran some errands, came home for dinner, and I played with my ipod while they played with their toys :) About halfway through dinner I heard the IM sound on my laptop! And sure enough, it was my husband!!!! I have been talking to him on and off for the past few hours. He is in a tent right now, and he is miserable because he got stuck with a top bunk. He said its like 90 degrees up there, then like 70 on the bottom. He cannot stand to sleep if it is even the least bit warm. If our house gets over 70 at night he can't sleep. It has to be at 68 or 69. So looks like the first care package better have a fan in it for him! LOL!
     Well, it is 2:30 and the boys are sound asleep and David is offline at the moment, but he will be back on soon, so I am going to try to catch a little sleep before he gets back on. Since we are 13 hours apart, it is the middle of the day there, so I am sure we will be talking throughout the night, so I will just have to sleep in between. His wifi is in a specific tent, so if he needs to do anything, he has to leave the area with the internet, so thats why it comes in spurts. Anyways, today has been an awesome day, under the circumstances, so I am going to go to sleep and hope tomorrow goes just as well! Good night!

Highlight of the Day: Definitely has to be every time I got to talk to my husband! I miss him like crazy, and this deployment will not be easy, but getting to talk to him helps so very much. I am so glad that we live in a time that we have the technology to keep in touch with our loved ones, without having to wait forever for letters to get there! 


    

Hell Week Day 3

    Another uneventful day hanging out at home with my boys :) I did receive some very bad news about someone in my family that I love very much, but I am not going to get into that. It is kind of a family matter, and it is pretty painful for everyone involved. So, suffice it to say, that has had me in a little bit of a funk. But other than that, we pretty much just lounged around today. I think that will probably be a lot of what the next 6 months will look like. I am sure we will get out and do things, but loading up 2 kids that are both still so young and trying to go places isn't always an easy job by yourself, so we will probably spend a lot of time at home. We need to get back into the swing of going to playgroups. It is 11 and I got both boys down and Austin seems like he is actually going to go to sleep, so I am hoping he will get into a good sleep and we won't have any nightmares tonight. It got so bad at one point last night, he was completely inconsolable. Even when I picked him up and rocked him he was screaming. It took a long time to get him back to sleep. Then he woke up again and finally I just had to pull him into bed with me and he continued to toss and turn. I think it was 7 or 8 before we actually got to sleep. So it was a very rough night. 
    Tomorrow we have Aiden's next home visit. This is the part where we will set up a game plan, but I will have a lot of new developments to report when they get here. He is learning new words and seems to be catching up, so I really think he is just kind of going at his own pace. I still need to get him in for the hearing test at Tripler, but the thought of it already has me stressed...lol. Tripler is not my favorite place in the world. 
    I have been finishing more and more crochet props, so I am hoping to start getting some of those sold soon and I booked a photo shoot for next Saturday. I am scheduling a few more outdoor sessions with people I had already had plans to do shoots for, but beyond that, I am going to try to start doing mostly indoor shoots. I have referred some of them to other photographers to try to avoid having to leave the boys too much. They both have such bad separation anxiety going on already. Austin with his nightmares, and Aiden who screams bloody murder and tries to claw out the screen door when I am taking out the trash.
    I spent a lot of the day looking up care package ideas for David's packages, and also stuff that I can do for my adopted soldier, so I found some things that I am dying to get started on! So I will probably start those in the next day or two :)
    Like I said, though, other than that not too much going on. I got to spend some time talking to David but I don't foresee too much time to talk in the near future, but we will see what happens. The truth is, neither of us have any clue what to expect, but not talking to him will be hard. But working on the items for his care package will make me feel closer to him, and I wear his dog tags 24/7 and that helps too because I know he is wearing his other set.
    Well, I am going to take advantage of the peace and quiet and catch some sleep! Austin is snoring away and I am hoping it will last so goodnight!!!


Highlight of the Day: The time that I got to chat with my hubby :) We had the video chat up for a few hours this morning and it was nice :)

Hell Week Day 2

    I am happy to say, I don't think Hell Week will apply as much this time around. Today was the first full day without David and it has been easier than last time. Granted, a big part of that is that he was in a hotel so we were on video chat almost all day. The hard part will start when we are not in as close contact. The boys are still doing fine, but Austin has resumed the habit of sleeping in the playpen in my room. Part of me knows that it is a bad idea to continue the habit, but the other part of me is being selfish because having him in here comforts me too. Maybe tomorrow night I will put him back in his room, but for tonight, I am glad he is keeping me company, even if he is driving me nuts! LOL! 
    We had an uneventful day. We just sat at home. The boys played and I crocheted. They have started little wrestling matches but it is funny because they don't wrestle aggressively, they do this weird hug wrestle! They crack me up! 
    Anyways, since today was so uneventful I am going to keep this post short! 

Highlight of the Day: This might seem silly but David and I were chatting and he said to me "I love you so much and I can't wait to come home!" I kid you not, I printscreened it and saved it! My husband will never be accused of being emotional. He is a very logical minded person and does not really see a need for feelings and emotions...lol. Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on emotion. I have a strong love for my friends and family and that passion is the driving force in my life. Whereas his is his success and being a provider for his family. I think in a way he has the mindset that it is the job of the wife/mother to be the loving and nurturing person in a family, and it is the man's job to go to work and make a living to put a roof over their heads and food on the table, and the two "duties" should be kept separate. So he does not express emotion....well....ever really. So those simple words, that might not be any big deal to someone else, were huge for me. I can honestly say I do not ever remember him saying that, or anything even close to that, to me. In fact, at the beginning of our relationship I would just get a casual "love ya lots" or when we chat its a luv u 2. He tells me he loves me a lot, but usually it is in response to me saying it to him or when we are getting off the phone, so it feels more like an automated response because it is what you are supposed to say when someone says it or when you get off the phone. Don't get me wrong, I know that he loves me, I don't doubt that just because he doesn't throw himself on a sword to profess his love to me. I know that he loves me. But for him to say what he said, it just proves how intensely he was feeling when he said it, and that is why it was so important and touching to me. It is way outside of his comfort zone to show emotion, so that was huge. I can honestly say that I will never forget that because it meant so much to me. (Luckily he never reads my blog cuz he would probably kill me for saying all that...LOL!) Anyways, like I said, it may seem insignificant to some people but it was incredibly touching for me and it definitely was the highlight of my day!

I am off to bed!!! Good night!!!   

Hell Week Day 1

    I have decided to dub this first week as "Hell Week" because in my experience the first week is always the hardest. Granted, this is our first deployment, but not our first separation. Not even close. And the first night is always pure torture, then the first week is the hardest. But during that week, you find your "groove" so to speak. You get into a routine and it makes the next weeks easier and easier. This may not be true for everyone, but this is how it has always been for me.
   Rewind 1 week and 1 day. Last Thursday my husband returned home. I will never forget Austin's face when he saw his Daddy! I let him out of the stroller and we stood together waiting and watching the doors. I told Austin I had a surprise for him, but that boy has a mind like a steel trap. As soon as we pulled into the airport he said "Yay! Go see Daddy!" He knew exactly where we were. Anyways, so we sat there and waited for what felt like an eternity. I spotted David first. It took Austin a minute of me pointing because there were so many people around, but the second he spotted him, there would have been no stopping him if I had tried! LOL! He was off like a light running across the airport screaming "Daddy Daddy Daddy!!!!!" That is one of those moments in a parents life where the whole world stands still and they can just watch their child experience pure joy! My whole chest tightened up and it was one of the happiest moments in my life to see my amazing little boy light up the way he did! From that moment on, when I saw David again, it was like he never even left. The first week was so long and hard, but the next 3 weeks literally flew by right before my eyes. Like I said, it was just like he never left. He had to work Friday, so we didn't really do much, but Saturday we celebrated our Thanksgiving. I cooked Friday night and most of Saturday and I was really happy with how it turned out! I made my first turkey, which, in my opinion, came out amazing!!! We also had mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, devilled eggs, cheddar biscuits (like the ones at Red Lobster), homemade cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, banana pudding, and lemon meringue pie. Everything made from scratch. Oh and stuffing, but that was not from scratch. It came out of a box, but thanks to an awesome friend we shared Thanksgiving with last year, I had a recipe for stuffing that used boxed stuffing, but added ingredients like apple juice and chunks of apples and cranberries. It was a hit so thanks Grace!!!! I was really happy with how it all came out. But it was DEFINITELY a lot of food! LOL! We ate leftovers the rest of the week David was home, with the exception of last night, when I made a nice romantic dinner for David and I and we ate out one night.
     The rest of his time home was pretty uneventful though, barring the disaster with his work, but I will get to that later! Anyways, Sunday we went to the beach for a little while. Then, either Tuesday or Wednesday night (I know, my memory definitely isn't what it used to be!), we went to the mall to get the recordable books from Hallmark. We got one about not being scared of anything at bedtime, then one all about "I love you". The boys LOVE them! Then we had and awesome meal at Bubba Gump's Shrimp! I had steak with loaded potatoes, salad, clam chowder and peel and eat shrimp. David had some sort of fish, and the boys pretty much just wanted stawberries and french fries! LOL! Although Aiden was perfectly happy eating anything I would feed him off of my plate! LOL! David ended up eating most of my steak and shrimp! Ha ha ha! It was a lot of fun. 
     Now back to the disaster. So David was supposed to leave yesterday, and believe me, I am so glad we got one extra day with him, but I think I aged about 10 years in those 2 days! Wednesday rolled around and he had no orders, no plane tickets, and half the stuff he needed to get done wasn't. So when Thursday came we didn't know if he was leaving or staying. We spent the whole day on the edge of our seat waiting for the phone to ring. And everytime it did we jumped! LOL! Well, his flight was supposed to leave at 5 something I think, and at 3 or so, David finally called in and found out he wasn't leaving. Well, we were in the same boat today. Not sure if his orders would come through and he would leave today or if they wouldn't and he would get to be here for the weekend. It was a very stressful time waiting to find out. But finally, his orders did come through. And boy was it a mess! He finally found out in the afternoon, then he had to final outprocess from the base at 3, which meant we didn't pick up his weapon until 4. Oh and did I mention his flight was scheduled to leave at 6? So we got to the airport at 4:30 or so. Had to go through the agriculture check line, so they could scan his bags, then we had to go do the self check in, then we had to stand in another line to turn in his bags. They tell us that he is only authorized 2 bags and his weapon, even though one bag was just gear. He was specifically told 3 bags and his weapon, so they charged him $200 for the 3rd bag because there was no way he could get it down to 2. Then he had to go back to the security people so they could inspect his weapon case. By the time this was all done we did not have time to go to the USO to get me a gate pass. So we stood in the line security and he hugged me and of course, I started bawling on his shoulder. I had been struggling the whole time. I can't explain it, but walking through the airport with him in uniform, everyone pretty much knew what was happening, so there were people pointing at us and giving us the sympathetic look, and I know they were trying to be comforting, but in all honesty, it just made it that much harder. And I finally just started crying. Anyways, one of the security people told us we could go to the USO, but we explained that we did not have time to do that AND get through security. So she said if we got the pass she would let us go through the Gold Lane. Luckily the USO office was directly below security so we went down a floor and we were there! They had us the paper in about 2 minutes. We got back up there, waited in the Gold Lane, then found out that we could not use that paper, we still had to go get a separate gate pass. At this point it was 5:15 and we were cutting it close, so David felt we needed to spend the time that we had together saying our goodbye's rather than running around the airport, then probably running out of time and having to rush to say goodbye in 2 seconds. I, of course, being the stubborn person I am, was not willing to accept that. If there was a chance that I could get that extra time with him, I was going to try. So we argued about it a little bit and I finally told him to give me 10 minutes. Spend the time with the boys and if I did not get the gate pass and my stubbornness caused me to lose that time with him, it was my own damn fault. He reluctantly agreed.
     I LITERALLY RAN through the airport. People looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I was coming up from behind the airline desks, so I didn't even go stand in line. I found an empty counter went straight to it, explained the situation, and she gave me a gate pass! I ran back and made it all in about 5 minutes! So we went through the Gold Lane, went to the gate (which was ridiculously full!) checked David in, then found out the plane was late anyways! It was now not scheduled to leave until 6:35. So we went and grabbed some Burger King. We got back and ate, then waited for them to start boarding. We sat down and he held me, and again, I broke down. We waited until everyone was boarded, then we made our way to the actual gate. We stood there and held eachother for a long time while I bawled like a baby. Then he said goodbye to the boys, which made me cry that much harder. But the absolute worst part was that when he walked away, as he got to the end of the hall and turned around for one last wave and to blow a kiss, Austin tried to get out of the stroller and was begging him for one more hug. I felt my heart rip into little tiny pieces in that moment. It was devastating. But after that we went over to the window and watched the planes, which fascinated him. We waited until the plane took off, then we left. Naturally, since I was such a wreck when we got to the airport I didn't even pay attention to which deck we parked in or what level! So we had to walk around a while to find the van, but luckily I picked the right deck the first time! I just had to walk the floors til I found it.
    It's weird to say this but I think this time the transition will be easier than last time. That isn't to say that we will miss him any less, but he was gone for a month and we got into a routine. He was only back for a week, so I already see us settling back into the routine we started when he left the first time. In a weird way, it feels normal that it is just the 3 of us because we got used to it when he left the first time. I don't know if it will be any different for the kids, but for me it is not as hard as last time. The airport was the hardest part. Just letting go and saying goodbye. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it was hard to let him just walk away and get on the plane knowing that he is going to a dangerous place and that if one wrong move is made, that could be the last time I would see him. Like I said, I know that sounds dramatic, and he will probably be just fine, but there are many women that have put their husbands on a plane and expected to see them again in 6 months, and he doesn't come home. I would rather understand that there is a possibility that could happen and be that much more thankful when he comes home safe and sound, then the alternative, where I do not let myself even consider that possibility and it happens and I had not even tried to prepare myself. Granted, no one can really prepare themselves, but at least I can know that I understood the weight of that moment and did not take it for granted. 
     Well, his first flight landed a while ago, so I am going to go talk to my husband!

Highlight of the Day: It is very hard to think of a highlight on a day like today, but no matter how bad your day is, there is always something good you can pick out of it! So I would have to say the highlight of my day was definitely waking up to the sight of my husbands face one last time! And even if he isn't here now, I am still incredibly lucky to have a husband that I can be so proud of! He is very brave and is making a lot of sacrifices to go defend our country and as much as it hurts to miss him, my heart is full of pride for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband!

 

Day 25: Our Last Night!!!

     Another bittersweet night. This is the last night before David gets home and I am going nuts with excitement knowing my husband will be home tomorrow. But my heart is breaking at the same time because I know this time next week will be our last night together for a very long time. I feel a lump in my throat, a knot in my stomach and tears forming in my eyes just thinking about it. I thought I was prepared for this, but the closer it gets the more terrified and heartbroken I become. I don't know how some women do this over and over again. I feel like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest just thinking about it. I have such a wide range of emotions going through me. Excitement to see him, sadness knowing that he will only be here a few days. Long enough for me and the boys to get used to him being home then he will just be gone again. Fear at the prospect of what could happen to him. I hate this with every fiber of my being, but at the same time I know that this is something he has to do and I am very proud of him. It is hard to sort it all out when there are so many feelings all at once. I didn't cry when he left the first time, perhaps because I knew it would only be for a short time, but if I barely even think about it now I can't contain the tears. I thought I was ready and I am realizing more and  more that there is no possible way to be ready. No amount of mental preparation will take away the pain and the fear. But my goal is to never let him see any of that. When he is home I am going to smile and be happy to have him  here and I am not going to waste a single minute or take it for granted. I can cry when he is gone, when he doesn't have to see it and worrying about me does not have to add to the burdens he is already having to bear. Even now, just writing this, I can't stop crying. I am supposed to be happy because he is coming home, and don't get me wrong, I am so happy, but the sooner he gets here the sooner he leaves. And the times you want to cherish the most are always the ones that go by the fastest, so I know this next week will be a complete whirlwind and before I know it he will be gone again and I won't even know where the time went. 
    Anyways, tomorrow is a happy day and I am going to do by best to not let it be clouded by what is to come. It's not even 11 and Aiden is asleep and Austin seems pretty tired so I am going to wrap this up and call it a night. As always, I am exhausted, and if you couldn't tell, it is really beginning to get the better of me! So I am going to try to get some sleep so I can be good and rested when I see my husband! I think it is pretty obvious what the highlight of the whole next week is going to be! So on that note, good night!!!

Day 24

     What a fun day! We pretty much just hung out for the first part of the day, but then the bestie and her daughter came over for a sleepover so that has been fun! We had pizza and watched kids movies and crocheted and just had some fun girl time. Austin had a rough time going to sleep but it is 2 and I am in bed now so that is better than we have been doing! I just have to make it through another day and a half then my wonderful husband will be home! I can't wait to see him! Tomorrow might be ok but Thursday will probably be the longest day of my life! LOL! I will be ready to go to the airport 6 hours before it is even time to pick him up, then I will end up sitting around twiddling my thumbs. . .lol! Well, I am going to head to bed! Goodnight!

Highlight of the Day: Girl time with the bestie <3

Day 23

     Oh Boy am I in pain! After a long and exhausting day of cleaning, my house is finished! I am in a lot of pain but at least the house will be clean when the hubby gets home. I still need to do some laundry and I didn't do the floors, but I don't care! LOL! I busted my butt and it's way better than it was when he left. We had unpacked about 20 boxes but hadn't put all the stuff away, so there was stuff EVERYWHERE! It wasn't any worse than when he left, but it hadn't gotten a whole lot better either. But now it is all picked up so I am relieved. But I am going to keep this short. I am in a lot of pain so I took a dose of nyquil and I am calling it a night. Good night!!

Highlight of the day: Definitely has to be the fact that my house is clean!! LOL!

Day 22

     Aaaahhhh! Only a few more days! I am getting so excited! I miss that man like crazy! I can't wait to see the boys face when they see their Daddy! Well, today was another uneventful day. Tomorrow that will not be the case. I have a friend coming over to watch the boys so I can clean, clean, clean! Whenever David goes somewhere I always have a cleaning day before he comes home to make sure he comes home to a clean house. I am hoping we will wake up for playgroup too, but Austin is not going down without a fight tonight. Anyways, as always, I am exhausted! So I am going to get off here, finish up a movie I am watching then hopefully pass out!!!!!

Highlight of the day: I finished up the photos from the newborn shoot I did a few days ago and I am so happy with how they came out!!!!

Day 21

     Exactly 3 weeks have gone by, and in just a few more nights my husband will be laying here in my arms! I can't believe it! I am really starting to get excited! I have a bunch of things I want to get done before he gets home! But on the schedule I am keeping it seems hard to get anything done. Austin has been in bed for about 3 hours. He did wake up at one point but I laid with him for a while and he was ok. So far he has stayed in his room tonight! Hopefully it will stay that way! But now my schedule is all turned around too, plus I had edits I needed to get done so I am up late, yet again. But at least its not as late as it has been recently! I really didn't have too much happen today, so this is going to be another quick one. I am just excited for the next few days to get done and over with so I can see my husband again, even if it is only for a short time. I am ready to have him home! Well, I am going to get some sleep now! Goodnight!

Highlight of the day: I put the boys up for nap and it was quiet for a while, but then I heard Aiden upstairs saying hi and I couldn't figure out why. So I headed up the stairs and imagine my surprise when I see that Austin had climbed over his babygate, opened Aiden's door, which had been shut, pulled up one of the little chairs from the little play table in Aiden's room, climed into the crib and was laying down while Aiden sat up and played! LOL!

Day 20

      20 days...that seems like it should be a milestone or something. It's a nice round number. With as quickly as things have been going lately, I can't believe it has already been 20 days. That first week felt like a month, but the 2 weeks since have felt like just a few days. I just keep holding out hope that that is how the actual deployment will go. It is almost 4:30 and I still have not slept yet. This schedule is killer! However, I got a bunch of edits done from today's newborn shoot, which was exciting. Other than that, today has been pretty uneventful. I have liked the slower pace of everything. I feel a lot less overwhelmed. Please believe I still have my hands full with the kids and housework and stuff, but that is not as overwhelming as when I was in school and doing a couple shoots a week. So, the slower pace is starting to pay off. We don't have anything on the agenda for the next 2 days which I am really happy about. It will be nice to just sit back and work on the pics, and relax, as much as one can relax with 2 toddlers. I do have a few errands I probably need to go ahead and take care of, so maybe I will get the kids out of the house for a while and go do some running around. But nothing has to be set in stone, which is nice. 
    Well it is way past my bedtime, yet again, and it is a struggle to keep my eyes open at this point, let alone keep my fingers moving to type! So I am going to sleep! Good night!

Highlight of the day: My bestie stopped by and it was great to see her, and I had a blast doing the newborn photos! It was especially nice because we did it at my house so I didn't have to lug all of my equipment around! I think I might start sticking with those for the time being, aside from the family shoots that I already committed to.

Day 19

      Wow! I can't believe that this time next week my husband will be home lying in bed with me! I can't wait! Although, we found out today that this trip will be even more bittersweet than we thought. We were planning on having 2 weeks together, but plans have changed and now, by this time in 2 weeks he will be gone for the long haul. We were counting on him having a whole week of leave, then another week where he would be working, but we would still have evenings. And we were going to have Thanksgiving. Now we get none of it. No leave, no Thanksgiving, not even a full week. I cried when he told me. It broke my heart. I know to some that may sound stupid, what is a few extra days right? But I think it would have made a huge difference. A whole week of no work or anything, just good quality family time. Now we won't have that. We are still going to do Thanksgiving while he is home though, so at least it will seem like we got to have it together. And do some of the christmas decorating. At least putting up the tree if nothing else. I will be grateful for whatever time that we have together, but this will be a lot harder, to only get him for a few days.
     Anyways, here it is 1:30 in the morning and my oldest son is literally hanging upside down from the side of the playpen. He is inside of it, but he has his legs hanging over the edge and he is just hanging upside down. In other words, he is not asleep. Ergo, neither am I. We had a small disaster because we couldn't find his monkey, and he refuses to sleep without it! But after a while of going through every room over and over again we finally found it! Thank goodness, because if we hadn't I definitely would not get any sleep! Although right now he is singing "Wooo hoooo! And tonight's gonna be a good good night!" So I don't know if sleep is anywhere in my near future anyways.
     I got more edits done today and I have a newborn shoot tomorrow. I have a few family photo shoots that I had already committed too before David left, but I might just stop doing the outdoor ones while David is gone and stick to indoor shoots like newborn or maternity. That way I am not spending as much in child care and I don't have to leave the kids. I don't know for sure yet, we will just see how things play out. I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew. I have my hands full enough with my household duties as it is...lol! 
     I am exhausted, and Austin is at least quieting down a little bit so maybe if I turn off the tv I can get him to go to sleep! Goodnight!!!

Highlight of the Day: I was trying to feed Austin and asked him if he wanted a bite and he said "No Mommy, I'm a robot!" LOL! I have no clue where he even got that from but I about died laughing!

Day 18

    Down to about 7 days until my husband is home! I am so excited and so amazed at how quickly the last 2 weeks seem to have passed. The first week was pure torture, but the last two, and especially this one seems to be flying right on by. I feel bad because we skipped playgroup for the first time this morning. Austin had a very rough night last night so we were up pretty late. When my alarm went of this morning, I looked over at him sleeping and I just didn't have the heart to wake him. Besides, on days that he is super tired at playgroup, it he ends up being fussy and then it is no fun for anyone. So, while I missed having that time today, it was probably for the best.
    Other than that, I had a dr appt at Tripler today, for the second day in a row, and both days I have found parking spots immediately, which was nice. Of course, I had to park at the very bottom of the parking lot, but I would rather walk a little ways than drive around for 20 minutes looking for a better spot. And after my 4th time to this particular dr, I can finally say I found my way without getting lost or needing directions! I never thought I would see the day that would happen! Of course, then finding the pharmacy was a whole different story! LOL! 
    The past couple of days David and I have started really talking about some things. One thing that we know needs work in our marriage is our communication. We communicate and interpret things in very different ways and sometimes it causes us to butt heads. We have found that to be particularly challenging this separation. When he has gone places in the past, we have always been very in sync and our communication was spot on, in fact, at times, it was better than it is when we are standing face to face. I don't know what has been different this time, but this deployment will be the longest separation we have faced, aside from when we first got married. Communication is going to be key in making this as smooth as possible for both of us. When emails and phone calls are the only connection that you have to the love of your life, the last thing you want to do is spend the time on the phone or internet bickering about stupid things that really don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. So we have made the decision to work on our communication skills together to make sure that we both feel like we can approach the other and know that we will be heard and respected. 
     We faced our first real step in that today and I was very proud and relieved that we did. I needed to talk to him about something but was afraid to because I was worried about how he would react. I knew it was a controversial issue for us, and I was worried it would set him off and start a fight. So I began the conversation by explaining that I did not want to fight and I was not trying to be argumentative and that if we were going to start learning to communicate now was the time. I explained that he may not necessarily like what I have to say, but part of good communication in a marriage is listening and respecting your partner even if you don't agree. All that being said, he agreed to hear me out, so I said what I needed to say, he listened until I was finished and responded in a calm manner. We did disagree, and we did argue in the sense that I said something, he countered it, I countered that, and so on. But neither of us raised our voices or got upset, we were able to go all the way through the conversation without either of us feeling like we were not being heard or we were being disrespected. And overall it was a HUGE step in the right direction. For the first time in a long time I did not feel like he just tuned me out as soon as I started to say something he didn't like. And hopefully he felt that I respected his side as well. Now if we can just continue that in that direction in the future! For any of you that have been through a deployment or long separation, any advice on how to keep good communication between us would be greatly appreciated! 
     Anyways, that was about it for today. Tomorrow we don't really have anything going on, but yet again, Austin and I are getting to bed late so I am sure we will end up sleeping in again. I have to find a way to get us back on a good schedule! The highlight of my day was definitely that conversation with David. For the first time in a long time I really felt like he was listening to me and respecting me as an equal, not looking down on me in any way, and that meant a lot to me. I hope that he knows that, and I hope that we can continue to improve our communication because 90% of our fights, if not all of them, could probably be contributed to lack of communication, or misunderstandings due to poor communication or the difference in our methods of communication. So once we are on the same page with that, I can almost guarantee it will eliminate most of the problems we have, because beyond that, we have an amazing relationship! Well, I am going to go make Austin lay down because he keeps getting up and playing! Wish me luck because I am fairly certain that I still have a long night ahead of me! Goodnight!

Day 17

     Today was pretty uneventful and I am exhausted so this is going to be a short one. Not too much happened until this evening when Austin somehow hurt his foot. I was changing Aiden's diaper so I have no clue what happened, but he was walking on it fine afterwards so I wasn't too worried. But he woke up in the middle of the night, which he usually does these days anyways, and was complaining that his foot hurt. He cried for a few hours on and off, but wanted to be in my lap the whole time so we watched some tv and he cried on and off and now I am making an attempt to go to bed. I am letting him sleep in my room so I can keep an eye on him though. 
      Friends of ours had their baby today which is exciting! We were both pregnant with our first children when we met. She was at the end of her pregnancy and I was just beginning mine. She was actually the first person, outside of family and hospital staff, to see Austin! We called her as soon as we got home and she came over! So it is crazy to think that they have 2 kids now! They had a little boy, which I know will be so exciting for them! Their oldest is a girl, so I am sure they will love having one of each.
       Other than that, nothing else really happened today. Tomorrow we have playgroup and I have a dr appt and we need to do a grocery trip at some point, but I have been putting it off. The highlight of my day is that David and I had a pretty serious talk about somethings and I am looking forward to seeing if anything comes of it :) Other than that, I am exhausted so I am going to hit the hay! Good night!

Day 16

     Wow! Out of the double digits! My husband will be home in less than 10 days! I am so excited to see him, but it is a little bittersweet because the sooner he gets home, the sooner he leaves again, and the separation will be much longer next time. I miss him like crazy. Even on our bad days when we fight about something completely ridiculous, I miss him. In all honesty, when we found out about this deployment, or at least that he would get to come home after the first training, I was looking forward to the first time he would leave. I have always dreaded the actual deployment, but the first time he would be leaving, I knew it would just be CONUS and that he would be safe where he was and I thought the separation would do us some good. In a way, I am sure it probably did, but I did not realize how much I would miss him. We were fighting a lot before he left and I thought the time away would help us see past the petty fights that we have and see the bigger picture. I think in a way it has done that, but at what cost? We have lost time together that we will never get back. 
     When his last enlistment ended, we were planning on him separating and finding a job as a contractor. But then we got the orders to Hawaii and it was almost like someone knew he was planning on getting out, so they put an offer on the table that we couldn't refuse. So of course, with my support, hell, maybe even my urging, he made the decision to reenlist so that we could accept the orders. I love being here, but sometimes I wonder if the decision was worth it. Deep down I know that when this enlistment ends, we will make the decision for him to reenlist. First of all, when this enlistment ends he will have been in 11 years, and it would be insane to go 11 and not just finish up the last 9, but also, the military has a lot of benefits. And if I am being truthful, as much as this deployment terrifies me, trying to live the civilian lifestyle scares me even more.      My father was in the Air Force, and in fact, he just retired shortly after my second son was born, so not much more than a year ago. In fact, it may not even be a year yet. I grew up a military brat and I always knew that when I grew up I would marry military. And in fact, I went one step further and joined myself, and thank goodness I did because that is what brought my husband and I together. We met in tech school. We were not a tech school marriage, we married about a year and a half later. Right before I joined the military I tried the civilian thing and I was terrible at it. I just didn't know how to be a civilian. So I know when it comes time to make that decision and he asks me for my opinion, I will say that I think he should reenlist. But that desire comes with a very heavy heart because I also know that means that this will not be the last time we are separated. This will probably not be the last Christmas, Anniversary, or set of Birthdays that he will miss. And that is a very hard pill to swallow. You only live once, and your kids only turn 3 once, your kids only say certain words the first time once, all those milestones that the boys will hit while David is gone is a milestone they will only hit once. That time he loses with them, and the time we lose with him, is time that we will never get back and that makes these decisions so hard. 
     Every day, when I think about this deployment it terrifies me. Some men go over 5 times and come home perfectly fine. But some guys go over once and never come home. I hate thinking like that, and I know everyone will say "You just have to think positive! He will be fine" blah blah blah. But there is the old saying "Hope for the best, plan for the worst". But how do you prepare yourself for something like that? I don't think you really can. Even thinking about it, my head knows that that is a possibility, but my heart believes he will come back. My heart won't even let me seriously consider the possibility that he won't because it would be too devastating. So, in my head I know it could happen, but I don't believe that it will. This is the part about this deployment that I hate the most. If he was going to be gone for 6 months somewhere in the states, or even somewhere like Korea, there would be the sadness of the separation, but there would not be fear. I do not like to think negatively, and I certainly don't usually like to let other people know my negative thoughts, but the point of this blog was to be brutally honest. To talk about the things that a lot of people don't talk about because I am sitting here wondering if feeling this way is normal and someone else might wonder the exact same thing and see that it is what I was thinking and realize that they are not alone. I think deployments must be the loneliest time in a military wife's life and I haven't even gotten to that point yet! But just thinking about it already has me so worried.
     I am very proud of my husband because, while I know he is worried, I also know that this is something he has to do. This is the only way he will truly feel like he did what he signed up to do, which is to defend his country. And that makes me very proud of him. A lot of people moan and whine about deployments, and understandably so, and some do it for the money, but he is doing it for all the right reasons, and that makes me so proud of him. I know that he will go over there and give it his all every single day. So, while I will miss him, I understand why he is going, and I will be the proudest wife anyone ever saw, no matter how much it hurts. I love him and I support him and I will be right here waiting for him when he comes home!
     Anyways, it is getting very late, almost 3 and I am exhausted! I feel pretty accomplished today though! I took the boys to playgroup this morning, which is always fun, for them and for me. Then we came home and spent the afternoon just hanging out. I crocheted 2 1/3 baby hammocks for my newborn shoots that I have coming up, I am also planning on selling them on the side. So I felt pretty good about that. Now I am more than ready for bed! The highlight of the day was taking the boys to playgroup! I will definitely continue to go even after David gets home. It is such a good thing for the kids! Well, time for bed! Goodnight!!!   

Day 15

     Halloween! What an exciting day! I have always loved Halloween but this one had to have been, by far, the best! Austin had so much fun! He did so well trick-or-treating! I am sad that David couldn't be here for it, but I videotaped a lot of it and took some pictures. Austin did really good saying "trick-or-treat" and "thank you" and "happy queen", which was how he pronounced halloween. . .lol. It was a lot of fun. That was actually all that we really did today. It is 9 and I am exhausted! Austin is in his room, supposed to be in bed, but I hear him playing. It probably won't last too long but I had to wake him up early from his nap to get ready for trick-or-treating so hopefully he will sleep soon! But the highlight of the day was definitely trick-or-treating. Everyone commented on how cute he looked and there will be pictures of him floating all over facebook tomorrow because a bunch of people stopped to take his picture! LOL! He was such a big boy tonight and I was so proud of him! Well, I am up in my bed and I just put a movie on, so I am getting off the computer, curling up with my body pillow and the teddy bear from my husband and if I watch the whole movie great, if I fall asleep and miss the whole thing, that works too! LOL! Goodnight!!!