Friday, December 31, 2010

41 Days Down! 151 Days To Go!

     Tomorrow will mark a month and a half into this deployment! I can't really say it will quite be the 1/4 mark because there was travel time at the start and will be travel time at the end, but still, this is the longest separation we have gone through aside from when we were first married and stationed at separate bases for nearly a year. David is struggling a little bit. I can see the tiredness and stress etched on his face every night when we do our video conversations. It's even more frustrating for him right now because he got moved and strongly dislikes his roommate, it's raining and his roof is leaking so water is flooding his room, if he wants to get it fixed they have to come in the middle of the day, which is when he sleeps and needs every second he can get, his schedule is being shifted, and now, to make matters worse, finance is refusing to pay his travel voucher. So he is definitely having  a rough time right now. It's hard to watch him going through a hard time and not really being able to do much for him. As I have mentioned before, my husband is not an emotional person by any means, so I am not even sure that trying to provide him with emotional support really helps him at all. I'm not saying that as a criticism to him or in a "feel sorry for myself" sort of way, just stating a fact. I think for him the conversations we have are more about him trying to give ME emotional support if I think he would honestly rather use that time sleeping. So it is kind of hard to know what to do. Part of me really wishes I had deployed before we got married. It was something I wanted to do, and maybe then I could have some idea of how to help him or what types of things to do for him or get him or whatever. Even with his packages he has told me he wants the practical stuff that he can use and really isn't concerned with the personal or emotional trinkets of whatever. So, again, it's just hard to know how to help... All I can do is hope that if there was something I can do, he would let me know. 
     Anyways, tonight I got to go on a "date" with my Bestie :) We went to the movies and saw "How Do You Know". I guess, from what I have heard, it got really bad ratings, but we both LOVED it! It was really funny and super cute! It was a little on the long side. It started at 5:10 and we didn't get out til 7:30, but it was definitely a good movie. There was even one part in the movie where we joked that we almost peed our pants! It was hilarious! It was nice to get out for a relaxing evening without the kids, and we don't get to spend as much time together as we would like, so it was really nice. I can't wait til we get to do it again :)
     Not too much else new going on. Just still trying to sort out all of my feelings about this whole deployment. Still alot of mixed feelings going on. There were a lot of mixed feelings about some things before the deployment even started, so in a way, I am still hoping that this deployment can be a positive thing for us in the long run. It's not always easy to see the positives in a not so good situation, and it's even harder to fight the guilt of seeing a deployment as possibly being a good thing, especially since he could be in danger. He has told me about some incidents that have happened since he has been there, so it is kind of scary. I am glad that he tells me though. I am not someone that likes to having things sugar coated to give me peace of mind. If I thought he wasn't telling me the bad things to protect me or keep me from worrying, my mind would go nuts worrying about all the bad possibilities, and what would go on in my mind would probably be worse than reality. So knowing that he will tell me if something bad happens keeps me from leaving it to my imagination, if that makes any sense. So, we realize that him being deployed is not the ideal situation, but we both felt it was the right thing and came at the right time. It was something he really wanted to do, and it gives us both time to reflect on a lot of things. Of course, we would both like the circumstances to be different, but a deployment had to come eventually. So I think we are both doing what we can to make the best of it, although as I mentioned before, he is having a rough time of it right now and it hasn't exactly been easy for me either. 
    Most of my hardship comes from having 2 toddlers. I love my boys and I would not trade them for the world, but it is very hard to raise two boys alone. Like I said in an earlier post, my heart goes out to all the single mothers out there because I have only been doing it for 2 1/2 months and I feel spread so thin I can't even think sometimes. The crazy thing is that we aren't even really doing anything. We don't go out much, aside from for essential stuff like grocery shopping and dr. appts. So we aren't running around like crazy. I still do my workout 3 times a week, but beyond that we aren't doing so much. So I don't understand how I am so tired and worn out all the time! My house is a disaster area, me energy is nonexistent, and our sleep schedule is still way off kilter. However, there are still the good things happening, too, especially when it comes to me learning how to be myself again. I suspect David is having some of that too. I am hoping the separation will remind us who we were as individuals before we got married and so much changed. I can't help but wonder sometimes, if I was the person I am now when David and I first met if we would be where we are now, and if he was the person he is now back then (I hope that made sense). Marriage has changed us both so much. In many ways it has changed us for the better. We have grown together as a couple and we are way more in sync with eachother than we were at the start. However, we have also become comfortable and don't really try anymore. I guess this is true of a lot of marriages, but I am really hoping that this separation, as hard as it is, will really help us appreciate eachother more and realize that we DO still need to try because our marriage has gotten very rocky at certain points and every time it happens it seems like we care about trying less and less. We aren't on the brink of divorce or anything like that, but I wouldn't say we were at the peak of happiness either. So, when it gets tough and I really start to miss him, I remind myself that the length of this deployment could actually be a big advantage to us. When he went to Korea for a month we missed eachother and it changed things a little, but it really wasn't long enough for us to seriously miss eachother and really get a taste of what our lives would be like without eachother. So in the hard times I am going to try to remind myself that the more we miss eachother now, the more we will cherish eachother. 
      Anyways, as you have probably learned by now, I tend to get on these trains of thought and ramble forever, so I am going to close before I can find something else to write a book about! LOL! I can't believe there is only 1 more day in 2010! On one hand, so much has changed this year that it's hard to believe that it has only been 1 year since we last celebrated New Year's in California, but at the same time, it seems like this year has just flown by! I guess the boys and I will probably just hang out at home tomorrow, and I am sure we will all be awake to watch the ball drop since this is like the middle of the afternoon for Austin...LOL! In case I don't get a chance to write tomorrow, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! <3 

Highlight of the day: Spending some quality time with the Bestest, especially since it was kid free! I love all three of the kids, but it was nice to have some adult time with her! LOL! I love you Nina, thanks for restoring some of my sanity! You are the best :) 

No comments:

Post a Comment