Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 16

     Wow! Out of the double digits! My husband will be home in less than 10 days! I am so excited to see him, but it is a little bittersweet because the sooner he gets home, the sooner he leaves again, and the separation will be much longer next time. I miss him like crazy. Even on our bad days when we fight about something completely ridiculous, I miss him. In all honesty, when we found out about this deployment, or at least that he would get to come home after the first training, I was looking forward to the first time he would leave. I have always dreaded the actual deployment, but the first time he would be leaving, I knew it would just be CONUS and that he would be safe where he was and I thought the separation would do us some good. In a way, I am sure it probably did, but I did not realize how much I would miss him. We were fighting a lot before he left and I thought the time away would help us see past the petty fights that we have and see the bigger picture. I think in a way it has done that, but at what cost? We have lost time together that we will never get back. 
     When his last enlistment ended, we were planning on him separating and finding a job as a contractor. But then we got the orders to Hawaii and it was almost like someone knew he was planning on getting out, so they put an offer on the table that we couldn't refuse. So of course, with my support, hell, maybe even my urging, he made the decision to reenlist so that we could accept the orders. I love being here, but sometimes I wonder if the decision was worth it. Deep down I know that when this enlistment ends, we will make the decision for him to reenlist. First of all, when this enlistment ends he will have been in 11 years, and it would be insane to go 11 and not just finish up the last 9, but also, the military has a lot of benefits. And if I am being truthful, as much as this deployment terrifies me, trying to live the civilian lifestyle scares me even more.      My father was in the Air Force, and in fact, he just retired shortly after my second son was born, so not much more than a year ago. In fact, it may not even be a year yet. I grew up a military brat and I always knew that when I grew up I would marry military. And in fact, I went one step further and joined myself, and thank goodness I did because that is what brought my husband and I together. We met in tech school. We were not a tech school marriage, we married about a year and a half later. Right before I joined the military I tried the civilian thing and I was terrible at it. I just didn't know how to be a civilian. So I know when it comes time to make that decision and he asks me for my opinion, I will say that I think he should reenlist. But that desire comes with a very heavy heart because I also know that means that this will not be the last time we are separated. This will probably not be the last Christmas, Anniversary, or set of Birthdays that he will miss. And that is a very hard pill to swallow. You only live once, and your kids only turn 3 once, your kids only say certain words the first time once, all those milestones that the boys will hit while David is gone is a milestone they will only hit once. That time he loses with them, and the time we lose with him, is time that we will never get back and that makes these decisions so hard. 
     Every day, when I think about this deployment it terrifies me. Some men go over 5 times and come home perfectly fine. But some guys go over once and never come home. I hate thinking like that, and I know everyone will say "You just have to think positive! He will be fine" blah blah blah. But there is the old saying "Hope for the best, plan for the worst". But how do you prepare yourself for something like that? I don't think you really can. Even thinking about it, my head knows that that is a possibility, but my heart believes he will come back. My heart won't even let me seriously consider the possibility that he won't because it would be too devastating. So, in my head I know it could happen, but I don't believe that it will. This is the part about this deployment that I hate the most. If he was going to be gone for 6 months somewhere in the states, or even somewhere like Korea, there would be the sadness of the separation, but there would not be fear. I do not like to think negatively, and I certainly don't usually like to let other people know my negative thoughts, but the point of this blog was to be brutally honest. To talk about the things that a lot of people don't talk about because I am sitting here wondering if feeling this way is normal and someone else might wonder the exact same thing and see that it is what I was thinking and realize that they are not alone. I think deployments must be the loneliest time in a military wife's life and I haven't even gotten to that point yet! But just thinking about it already has me so worried.
     I am very proud of my husband because, while I know he is worried, I also know that this is something he has to do. This is the only way he will truly feel like he did what he signed up to do, which is to defend his country. And that makes me very proud of him. A lot of people moan and whine about deployments, and understandably so, and some do it for the money, but he is doing it for all the right reasons, and that makes me so proud of him. I know that he will go over there and give it his all every single day. So, while I will miss him, I understand why he is going, and I will be the proudest wife anyone ever saw, no matter how much it hurts. I love him and I support him and I will be right here waiting for him when he comes home!
     Anyways, it is getting very late, almost 3 and I am exhausted! I feel pretty accomplished today though! I took the boys to playgroup this morning, which is always fun, for them and for me. Then we came home and spent the afternoon just hanging out. I crocheted 2 1/3 baby hammocks for my newborn shoots that I have coming up, I am also planning on selling them on the side. So I felt pretty good about that. Now I am more than ready for bed! The highlight of the day was taking the boys to playgroup! I will definitely continue to go even after David gets home. It is such a good thing for the kids! Well, time for bed! Goodnight!!!   

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