Another bittersweet night. This is the last night before David gets home and I am going nuts with excitement knowing my husband will be home tomorrow. But my heart is breaking at the same time because I know this time next week will be our last night together for a very long time. I feel a lump in my throat, a knot in my stomach and tears forming in my eyes just thinking about it. I thought I was prepared for this, but the closer it gets the more terrified and heartbroken I become. I don't know how some women do this over and over again. I feel like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest just thinking about it. I have such a wide range of emotions going through me. Excitement to see him, sadness knowing that he will only be here a few days. Long enough for me and the boys to get used to him being home then he will just be gone again. Fear at the prospect of what could happen to him. I hate this with every fiber of my being, but at the same time I know that this is something he has to do and I am very proud of him. It is hard to sort it all out when there are so many feelings all at once. I didn't cry when he left the first time, perhaps because I knew it would only be for a short time, but if I barely even think about it now I can't contain the tears. I thought I was ready and I am realizing more and more that there is no possible way to be ready. No amount of mental preparation will take away the pain and the fear. But my goal is to never let him see any of that. When he is home I am going to smile and be happy to have him here and I am not going to waste a single minute or take it for granted. I can cry when he is gone, when he doesn't have to see it and worrying about me does not have to add to the burdens he is already having to bear. Even now, just writing this, I can't stop crying. I am supposed to be happy because he is coming home, and don't get me wrong, I am so happy, but the sooner he gets here the sooner he leaves. And the times you want to cherish the most are always the ones that go by the fastest, so I know this next week will be a complete whirlwind and before I know it he will be gone again and I won't even know where the time went.
Anyways, tomorrow is a happy day and I am going to do by best to not let it be clouded by what is to come. It's not even 11 and Aiden is asleep and Austin seems pretty tired so I am going to wrap this up and call it a night. As always, I am exhausted, and if you couldn't tell, it is really beginning to get the better of me! So I am going to try to get some sleep so I can be good and rested when I see my husband! I think it is pretty obvious what the highlight of the whole next week is going to be! So on that note, good night!!!
I know it's redundant, but just try not to think about him leaving again. It sucks and it's like a rain cloud over your parade, but you can't do much about it so don't let it win!! You are in tough times, friend, and I'll be sending strong positive vibes your way:)
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