Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 3

    Another day down. Seems like the days are dragging by so slowly. I was typing in the title and realizing it was only day 3. It feels like it  has been a week. The stress is starting to get to me a little bit. I still feel ok, but I notice myself getting more and more frustrated with smaller and smaller things. I am really having the biggest struggle with Austin, our 2 year old. He knows that Daddy is the "enforcer" and Daddy isn't here, so he is taking advantage of that. I have always been the "softie" and David has always been the one to dish out the tough love. So Austin has kind of become desensitized in a sense. So sometimes it is hard to deal with him without his father here to put some fear in him. . .lol. I don't know if it is that Austin is pushing harder, or that I am just getting moodier. Probably a combination of both. I definitely had a few moments today when I just wanted to put them in Austin's room to play and lock myself in my own room! LOL! I love my kids with all of my heart, but I don't think I realized how much I depended on the evenings (or mornings depending on his shift) that David would come home and kind of take over kid duties so that I could just relax for a few minutes and catch my breath. It has only been 3 days! How am I going to do it for 7 months and keep my sanity? LOL! I know that the boys and I will be fine, but my days of thinking this was going to go by fast have definitely come to an abrupt halt.
     Part of me really wants to take a month or two while he is gone and go home. It would be a huge relief for me (aside from the flight with 2 toddlers), and it might help the time go more quickly. But it would cost about $1,300 for all 3 plane tickets. David is a very practical minded person. He will not necessarily take into account what life will be like for me with 2 toddlers in a place I have only been for a few months, with no family nearby, and the few friends I have been fortunate enough to make. He will just see the dollar signs. We balance each other well in that way. I am very emotion driven and he is very practical, so usually we find a happy medium. I know that me and the boys will be fine here, but I do think going home would make a huge difference. But it is hard to push the issue because I feel like it is weakness on my part. Women do it all the time. And many of them even have more children than I do. I feel like my desire to go home is like admitting that I cannot handle things on my own. That is not the case, of course I can handle them here, but would it be nice to be surrounded by family for a little while? Definitely. However, whenever I start to consider talking to him about it, I just feel like he will see that as a sign of weakness or failure on my part and no one wants to feel that way. So it is something I have been very conflicted about. I know I wouldn't win the argument anyways, because in all honesty, I can't really justify spending the money either, as much as I want to. 
    These last couple days have really given me some insight as to how the rest of this time will go, though. I think I have a lot of stress in my near future and I just hope that it doesn't carry over too much in my interaction with the kids. I want things to stay as normal as possible for them while all of this is going on. However, like I said, Austin and I have definitely butted heads on more than one occasion since Saturday. I think the gravity of the situation is definitely starting to kick in. 
    Anyways, enough of that. On a different note, we had the initial home visit for Aiden today. It was mostly just informative, her gathering information on Aiden and telling me what to expect over the next several months. She was not able to give me any type of assessment of the situation today, but when they come back next week for the actual evaluation, they should be able to give me some idea of what their thoughts are and everything. I am more than ready to have some answers so I dread, but look forward to it all at the same time. I am just hoping it will turn out to be nothing serious and we can stop worrying and move on. But either way, I just want to know so that I don't constantly have scenarios running through my mind. 
    Well, it is WAY past my bedtime. Sleep has not been coming easy to me, so I am about ready to crash! I am hoping we will wake up in time for playgroup, but part of me doesn't hate the idea of sleeping in, so we will see what happens.
    The highlight of my day was putting Austin to bed and coming into my room and hearing "I love you Mommy" and responding with "I love you Austin" followed by "I love you Mommy". This probably went on a good 5 minutes or so! LOL! But I just didn't have the heart to tell him to go to sleep when he was saying the most amazing words to me that he possible could :) And on that note, I am heading to sleep! Good night!

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