Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 2

     Well, today has definitely been a roller coaster of a day. I stayed up really late last night so I didn't know if we would get up for playgroup at the Community Center this morning, but Austin woke up at 9 and I brought him in my room and was super tempted to go back to sleep! But I know that playgroup is important for the kids and it is good for me too :) So we went, and again, I am glad that we did. Austin and I made a craft for Daddy. It was gluing fishies to a piece of blue construction paper, then coloring in the fishies. So we still have some coloring to do, but I know his Dad will love it :) And I tried to color with Aiden but my little piggy just wants to eat the crayons, so I saved the few lines he did color since it was his first time :)
    After playgroup we came home and Aiden took a nap while Austin watched cartoons in the playroom. I put all the maternity pics on a disc and got them ready for delivery, then we just hung out til Aiden woke up. After that we delivered the CD and went grocery shopping. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because I was able to snag one of the baskets that seats 2 and looks like a car. Austin loves to "drive" so that worked out very nicely. Then we came home and had dinner and the boys went to bed really early because they are tired and I am exhuasted. 
    We have been able to talk to David a good amount today which is good. He got to see the boys on cam quite a bit. They still don't really know whats going on, which I am happy about. I was really worried about Austin but he has been fine. I don't think he even realizes David is gone. I know that probably hurts David's feelings a little bit, but it really is the best thing for Austin. 
    I still don't really know how I feel right now. I can tell that I am starting to get a little stressed because I am getting kind of irritable, but I don't feel any different other than that or anything. There has never been a time where he has left and I have just been ok with it. I know it will be different when he really leaves, I know that that will be very hard. I almost kind of miss having that strong emotional response when he left. It reminded me how much I love him and why my life would not be complete without him. And don't get me wrong, that still holds true, it just really bothers me that it wasn't hard to watch him leave and it hasn't been much different not having him here. I think part of the reason that it bothered me was because growing up, there was a certain couple in my family that slept in separate beds for as far back as I can remember. They were married, and I know that they loved each other in their own way, but I don't ever remember seeing any intimacy or affection between them, I don't think I even remember seeing them so much as kiss. Like I said, I know that they loved each other in their own way and they lived a content life together, but that is not the type of marriage that I want or could be content with. So when I notice the little things like this they bother me a lot. I want the kind of marriage where 10 or even 20, heck 50 years down the road we walk everywhere hand in hand. Anyways, I am trying not to read too much into things right now. As a lot of people have told me, every time they leave it is different and every person handles it differently. There is no right or wrong way. I am very glad that I have been able to make this transition with ease, but I think it is kind of the calm before the storm because I know the actual deployment is when the true test starts. That will be when the constant worrying sets in, and I have heard that it will either be the fastest or the longest 6 months of my life. . .
    On a different note, today was a very difficult day for me for a very different reason. I got a call from my Grandmother and they had to put one of our dogs down. He was the one that I was the closest to and I was one of the people that he was closest to. He started out as my uncles dog but went to live with my grandparents when he kept jumping the fence. He instantly became part of our family. At that time, my grandparents also had the dog that my parents had gotten for me and my brothers because we had moved to Japan and couldn't take her. She was about 6 or 7 when she got severe hip displaysia and she had to be put down. I had been living with my grandparents for a while at this point, and Midnight was my dog so I took it very hard. As weird as it might sound, Guiness was a huge comfort to me during that time and many others. Almost every night when I lived there I would go out on the back porch and he would come right out there with me and sit with me as long as I stayed out there. I would just play music and look at the stars or the lights of the valley and every night he was right by my side. He lived a very long life and lived a lot longer than anyone thought that he would, but that call today was still a very hard call to get. Some people probably won't understand it, but in my family our pets are part of the family. And he has been around for a big part of mine. I was around him from the time I was 14. Even just writing about this makes me want to cry again. It will be very hard to go home and not see him there. I know that today has not been an easy day for the rest of my family either.   
    Anyways, before I start totally bawling again, I am absolutely exhausted and looking forward to some video time with the hubby so I am going to close for the night. The highlight of my day was when I was putting my kids to bed (that part was great, but there's more! LOL!) I took Austin in and started to tuck him in and he said "No Mommy, read my bedtime stowie" so we read his Winnie the Pooh book together :)   


  1. Jessica I can tell you your reactions this time to him leaving are probably different because your boys are older and you know they need you. If you fall apart, they will also. It still amazes me to think back on times that I survived things I would have never thought I would have, if it hadn't been for Jonny and Erik. As parents we suck things up. Yes, you will cry for David and the boys need to know it's ok to cry. The next time he leaves will probably be totally different.

    I like the story about the couple. My Grandparents didn't sleep in the same bed and they were grouchy to each other all time, but there is no doubt in my mind that they loved each other so much. I've always wanted their love for my life, not their living arrangements! lol But their unconditional love. I grew up in a house that my parents never showed affection. I can't ever remember my parents hugging, kissing or even holding hands. I was so clueless when I got married, poor Tim that's probably why we divorced. Anyways, I've learned through out my years, life it what you make of it.

    You're doing great. Don't let your mind play tricks on you about not breaking down because half of you is gone. He's still there in spirit and he'll always live in your heart!

    love ya

  2. Thanks Laurie. Today has been rough so I definitely needed some positive encouragement! Love you too!