Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 7

      Well, I think today has topped them all on the list of bad days. If you do not want to read a major vent session, you might want to stop reading this now because I have a feeling that is what this is going to turn into. I have kind of been stuck between a rock and a hard place with this blog. Part of why I started it was because I wanted it to be a motivating type thing for myself, but also maybe for others going through the same thing. But at the same time, the point was also for me to be able to kind of reconcile my own feelings about what has been going on, and to have an outlet and a release at the end of the day. I should be able to be honest about what I am feeling and not have to sugar coat things. But that is what I have been doing. My husband is getting ready to deploy and he has been gone over a week. I am supposed to be missing him and we are supposed to be all loving towards each other because he is not here. And heaven forbid it when he is deployed because no one should have anything bad to say about a hero that is deployed and fighting for his country. And that is true to an extent, but he is still human and I am still human, and if we have a bad day, I shouldn't have to hide that and act like everything is ok because he is deployed. I love my husband. I have loved him almost from the day I met him. But that man can infuriate me like nobody's business.
      For 2 days now it seems like every conversation that we have we are at each others throats. We were both responsible for how it started. I have problems getting Austin to eat. He refused to eat his breakfast today and lunch was starting out very much the same way. I was on the computer with David but stepped away to make the boys lunch then sat them down and carried my laptop in so I could sit with them while they ate. Austin was thinking of every reason to get up. He needed his cup, he needed ketchup, he needed this, he needed that, then finally he noticed the laptop and said "I want to talk to Daddy". David and I were doing a video conversation so I opened another window and said "Daddy's not on right now" and showed him. I know, lying to my kid, shame on me, but the boy needs to eat. Well, I showed him the laptop so he could see David wasn't there and David thought it would be funny to say "HI AUSTIN" even though he knew I was trying to get Austin to eat. So I flipped out on him. I had just gotten austin seated and he was going to start eating, but all hell broke loose when he heard David. That makes me mad because it already literally takes me almost an hour for each meal because I have to sit there and feed austin and even then, he fights it and doesnt want to eat, or he plays or sings, anything but eats. SO when I finally had him eating, it really pissed me off that David did that. So in a way it was both of our faults. But David decided he was going to close all of his messengers and turn off his phone. I think that is the most childish and immature thing that someone can do. He knows how much it pisses me off and we are limited to the time we get to talk anyways, so that was a very stupid way to react in my opinion. But he did it because he knows how much that pisses me off. Well, we went back and forth like this the rest of the evening. There is more, but I am not going to air out all of our dirty laundry. . .lol. But it really made me mad. But since my husband is about to be deployed, of course it would be poor form for me to say anything bad about him, so I feel like I have to bottle it all up which angers me even more.
    David and I struggle a lot because we are so opposite. He is a very logical person. I kid you not, one of his nicknames at work was the robot because there is just no emotion there. It is just not there. I on the other hand, am a very emotional person. I do tend to think very logically about certain things, but when it comes to my family or friends or someone that I care about, I am very driven by emotion. If I care about someone, they know it. I go out of my way to do little things to show it. David just doesn't think like that. I thought that we would balance eachother out, but instead we seem to butt heads about it. He has bought me flowers exactly three times in the 6 1/2 years since we first started dating. Once when we first got back together, the day I gave birth to Austin, and one time, out of nowhere, he brought me home flowers because I was having a hard time with Aiden and his colic, it was either right before or right after he went to Korea (which was probably the time I will remember most because it was the one time I can really remember him doing something like that out of nowhere to surprise me just because, without needing a reason). Other than that, he doesn't just say or do things out of the blue to surprise me. He just doesn't think like that. Whereas I have spent hours every day working on the present that I made for him and I always try to say or do little things to let him know I love him or I am thinking about him. And its not about spending money. I don't care that he doesn't buy me gifts all the time, that's not what it's about. It's about finding a way to show the person that you are with that you care about them. It is about the little gestures that mean the world. I am the type of person who believes that you can't just tell someone that you love them and they magically believe it because you say it. You have to show it to them. They need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them by your actions. But when you have someone that is so logically minded and so practical and doesn't care about the emotional stuff, how do you make them understand why it is important to you? It doesn't matter to him, so he can't understand why it would matter to me.
    Ugh, the last thing that I have wanted to do while he is gone is fight. I really thought the time apart would give us time to talk to each other and work some things out, but it seems like it has made things even more strenuous. When he went to Korea we talked, I mean really talked, more in that month than we probably had in 2 years. I was hoping this would be kind of the same. I mean, he is not deployed right now, he is just at training. So we have plenty of time to talk, but what ends up happening is we open a video chat and he is watching tv or surfing the internet, so I check my email or facebook or whatever, and we can be on at the same time for an hour and not say anything to eachother. That, to me, is frustrating. When he gets to Iraq there is a good chance we will hardly be able to talk at all, and I feel like we are wasting the time that we do have not talking, or fighting when we are talking. But I don't believe that you can work out a problem by ignoring it. Turning off the computer and the phone just leaves the problem to build more and more, it doesn't make it magically dissolve. We suck at communication with eachother. We always have. We both communicate in very different ways, so when we are mad we both want to deal with the fight in our own separate ways. His way is to ignore me for as long as he is mad at me, and my way is to talk until the problem is solved. He has the advantage because he can turn off the phone and the computer and he wins. I can't force him to talk. He doesn't care how hard that is for me, or how much it hurts me because all that matters is he won. Like I said, we both played a part in the fight starting, but I feel like he is the reason it went on as long as it did (and since we still aren't speaking since he went to bed, I guess it is still kind of going on), although he probably blames me. But either way, after all of the things he did and said, tomorrow if I have any hope of talking to him at all, I am not going to be allowed to talk about how I feel about todays events or how what he said and did hurt me because if I do, I run the risk of him just shutting off the phone and computer again. So I have to act like nothing happened, pretend that I am not hurt and angry, and once again we ignore the problem until it festers and opens up again.
     So, here I sit. Instead of being able to talk to my husband and try to fix the problem, my only outlet is a blog. I have to sit here and vent this way because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to lay mine on them so I don't want to call a family member or friend, I obviously can't talk to him because heaven forbid we actually talk about our problems in order to solve them. So I write about it. It is really hard to be married and feel so alone. He is the one person that I should always be able to talk to, but never can. And that is just how it will be the rest of my life, because I would rather fight every day with him, than live a single day without him, because I do love him. So tomorrow I will pretend that today never happened, and the next fight I will do the same thing. And even if it hurts me every time, I will do it, because I would rather take the pain, than lose him. And no matter how bad our days get, our worst day could never be as bad as our best days are good, if that makes sense. 
    Then, to top it all off, I started having issues with my flash again, so I am going to have to give in and let them ship it off for 3 weeks, which means no shoots for three weeks. I have to either reschedule or cancel any shoots that I have coming up, which sucks. So today has just not been my day.
    Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and there will be no fighting and we will make up, or pretend today didn't happen, or whatever the case may be, just as long as its not another bad day. I really do want to try to keep a positive outlook throughout this time. I have enough stress here at home without having to deal with fighting and drama on top of it. We both need love and support from one another right now, not this crap that we have been dishing out the last couple of days. 
    With every day that passes I am getting more and more tired. Austin wakes up several times a night. He was up almost every hour last night. Aiden wakes up once or twice but usually goes right back to sleep, but I have to get up and rush to Austins room so he doesn't wake Aiden up. I could let him sleep in my room but I really don't want to start that trend. So hopefully tonight goes better because the more tired I get the more irritable I am, which probably contributes to our fights. Like I said, I am not blameless in all of this. But it has been a rough few days. I thought this 3 weeks was going to go by fast, but it has only been a week and already it feels like a month. It is dragging by so slowly. I just want my husband to come home, even if it is only for the 2 weeks so that we can ease some of the tension that is going on right now. I hate fighting period, but more so when it is with him. But I can't compete with the sign out button. Not much I can do at that point.
    Well, tomorrow is another day and I will do whatever it takes to make it a good one! Then MOnday is playgroup! Thank goodness! I am sure the boys are more than ready for it! Then the next night my bestie is coming over for a sleepover, which I am really looking forward to! Maybe it will help me keep my mind off of everything for a bit! 
    The highlight of my day is a little tougher to find today, but every day that I have my family is a good day. I love my boys and I love my husband and no stupid fight, no matter how hurt or angry I am, is going to change that. So, I am going to drag myself up the stairs to my bedroom, bring my laptop to work on some edits, grab a glass of wine, and put a movie on the tv and try to salvage the rest of my evening! Sorry for the vent session but it has been building all night and I had to let it out somewhere and I would rather it be on here than in front of the kids or something. So on that note, I am out of here and good night! I will hopefully have a more positive post for tomorrow! 

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